How Do I Assure My Spouse That I Am No Longer Cheating?
By: Katie Lersch: When you are a spouse who has cheated, you can understand how your spouse might doubt the sincerity of what you say or claim. And, you can also understand how your spouse might suspect that you are still cheating even though they might want to believe that you aren’t. (This is especially true if they didn’t suspect that anything was amiss when you were actually cheating the first time. I can tell you from experience that this is very painful and shocking and so it is just human nature to want to protect yourself from this happening to you again. Therefore, even when you don’t want to, you still suspect your spouse of cheating again despite his or claims that he isn’t.)
In this situation, I might hear from a wife who says: “I cheated on my husband, only once and only a for a few weeks. I told him right away and I told him that I would do counseling or anything that he would need me to do for him to give me one more chance. I even offered to quit my job, since I met the other man at work. My husband said that we can’t afford for me to quit my job. And he stated that he doesn’t trust me. He always assumes that I am cheating again or that I have never stopped cheating in the first place. I have a job that doesn’t allow me to be home at the same time every day. If a client calls and wants to talk or to see me, then I have to be there for my client. But if I am late because of this, my husband assumes that I am with the other man or that I am up to no good. Also, fitness is important to me. I try to hit the gym at least three times per week. But now every time I go to the gym, my husband acts like I am doing something wrong. I am not cheating on my husband now and I never will again. But no matter how many times I say this, he doesn’t believe me. I am willing to give up my job, but I won’t give up my fitness. How do I assure him that I’m not cheating anymore and that I don’t ever intend to when he’s not listening to word I say?”
Before I attempt to answer that question, I’d like to try to help you to look at this from your husband’s point of view. And I am not doing this to make you feel bad or guilty. I am doing this because I want to give you the perspective that you are going to need in order to overcome this. Words can not express how painful it is when your spouse cheats. You want to protect yourself from this. So you are always on the lookout for wrong doing. You may want to believe your spouse’s claims more than anything. But very few things are able to quiet that little voice in your mind that tells you that the minute that you drop your guard and trust your spouse again, they are going to hurt you again or cheat again.
What You Really Need To Do: Your job then is to help your spouse to quiet this little voice. How do you do this? You try to spend as much time with your spouse as you possibly can. If you are not able to physically be with them, then you’ll want to check in with them in other ways. For example, if you have to work late, then you want to immediately text or call your spouse to let him know. Then, you want to continue to check in. So, an hour into your meeting, you might want to text again to tell your husband that you are wrapping up and will be home in half an hour. This may seem excessive, but it’s smart. Because your husband might realize that if you were really cheating, you wouldn’t be repeatedly texting him in order to check in right in front of the other man.
Include Him In Your Life Every Chance Your Get: I recommend including your husband in your daily activities as much as you possibly can. I understand that fitness is important to you, but how about inviting him to come along to the gym? Or how about going for a run with him on the days that you take off from the gym? The truth is, the more time you spend with your husband, the more he will realize that you can’t possibly be in two places at once. How can you be cheating with someone else while you are physically with him? This is why you want to spend as much time together as you possibly can. And, when you can’t swing this, then you want to check in.
As Your Marriage Strengthens, Suspicions Weaken: Another way to reassure your spouse is to work very hard on your marriage. Go to counseling. Talk to your husband every night and ask them if there is anything that you’re not doing that he would like for you to do. Why is all of this necessary? Because your husband will start to realize that if you intended to cheat, then you wouldn’t be very likely to pour so much time and heart into your marriage if it wasn’t important to you. It doesn’t make sense for you to spend so much time and effort toward your marriage if you do not intend to be faithful to it.
In other words, the stronger your marriage and the more effort that you put into it, then the more secure your spouse will feel and the less likely they will be to assume that you are cheating. At least this was the case for me. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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