Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I get this question quite often: “How do I know if my husband is still thinking about the affair? What if he hasn’t really moved on from it — even though he claims that he has?”

If you’re asking this, you’re not alone. It’s incredibly common — especially in the early months (and sometimes even years) after infidelity. You’ll often feel a low-level worry that your husband hasn’t completely put the affair behind him. Maybe he claims it’s over and he wants to move forward. But you can’t help but notice little things that make you wonder: Is he still mentally or emotionally in it somehow? Does he still long for her? Think of her?

This question is especially hard when you’re trying — really trying — to save your marriage and move on once and for all. Because who wants to dwell? Maybe you’ve chosen to stay. Maybe you’ve both promised to rebuild. But there’s still that lingering fear that he’s not fully back yet – that somewhere, deep down, he still thinks of her.

Let’s talk about some of the signs women often notice — and what they may or may not mean.

He Seems Distant or Zoned Out at Times: One of the most common concerns I hear goes something like:
“He says it’s over. But sometimes I’ll catch him staring off or seeming somewhere else entirely. And I wonder — is he thinking about her? Or about what happened?”

It’s possible he is. But it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s still emotionally (and especially physically) involved with the affair partner. What many men don’t talk about — and what some don’t even fully process themselves — is that the aftermath of an affair can be mentally consuming for both spouses, not just the betrayed one. He may be thinking about how much damage was done. He might be grappling with guilt, shame, or the discomfort of seeing your pain — and not knowing how to fix it.

That said, if he seems emotionally checked out or unreachable for long periods, it’s fair to gently bring it up. Not accusingly, but in a way that invites openness:

“Sometimes I notice you seem a little distant. Are you feeling overwhelmed about everything that’s happened?”

The goal isn’t to trap him — it’s to create space for honesty. And if he opens up, that is reassuring.

He’s Overly Defensive or Avoidant When The Affair Or Other Woman Comes Up: If every time you bring up the affair — or your feelings about it — he bristles, changes the subject, or snaps something like “Are we still talking about this AGAIN?”, it can absolutely trigger suspicion.

You might think: If he’s truly over it, why does he act so weird whenever I mention it?

Here’s what I’ve found: many men think that if they’re no longer in contact with the other woman, and they’ve “chosen” their wife, the issue should be behind them. But healing doesn’t work that way.

He might still be thinking about the affair because you’re still thinking about it, and he doesn’t know how to handle that. The avoidance might not mean he misses her, but it might mean he doesn’t know how to hold your pain without drowning in guilt or frustration.

That’s why communication is key. Tell him what you need, not just what you fear. Because honestly, if you leave him to guess, he may guess wrong. And that means you won’t get what you need to heal. And you deserve to do so.

He’s Quiet About His Regret Or Won’t Talk About the Details: You may be wondering if he never brings up the affair himself, does that mean he’s still emotionally tangled in it? Or that he doesn’t regret it enough? Not necessarily. Some men are genuinely afraid that talking about the affair will trigger you or make things worse. Others are embarrassed and ashamed. And some simply want to avoid revisiting the moment they nearly lost their family.

But here’s the tricky part: you can’t always move past what’s never spoken out loud. If it feels like he’s still carrying something emotionally, it’s okay to say, “I’m not trying to rehash the past just to hurt either of us. But I need to understand what you’re feeling — or not feeling — so we can move forward in a real way.”

If he’s thinking about the affair, he may not even have the words for it. But don’t mistake silence for indifference. It’s often fear or discomfort.

How Do You Really Know If He’s Still Thinking About It?: Here’s the honest answer I wish I could sugarcoat: You might not ever fully know what’s going on in his mind. Unless you are the world’s best psychic, you cannot read his mind.

But what you can look for his im being present for you now, him showing up to try to repair your marriage, him giving you the space and grace to process this, and him putting your marriage and healing above his own comfort. If he is doing these things, I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

And quite honestly, even though it’s possible he may still think about the affair, that doesn’t mean he wants to go back to it. It may simply mean he’s still figuring out how to heal from the damage he caused. And that’s not necessarily a red flag — it’s part of the process.

It’s Okay to Ask for Reassurance: If you repetitively question whether he is comparing you to her, replaying their time together, or missing the other woman, you are not weak or insecure.  You suffered a trauma – a rupture in trust. And that takes time to heal. You’re allowed to ask for reassurance. You’re allowed to ask for clarity.  It’s okay to say, “I need to know where your heart really is right now, truly. Not to punish you, but so I can start to feel safe again.”

Healing after infidelity is messy. There will be uncertainty. There will be setbacks. But you’re not wrong to want honesty. And you’re not wrong to need it.

You’re just a woman doing her best to put the pieces of her life back together. Never stop trying to move forward. You deserve nothing less. If you’d like to read about how I navigated life after my husband’s affair and eventually healed, check out https://surviving-the-affair.com

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