Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  If you’re reading this, I’m guessing there’s been a betrayal in your marriage — and now you’re facing that gut-wrenching question no one ever wants to ask: Can we actually survive this? I wish I could give you a straight yes or no. But the truth is, whether a marriage can survive an affair depends on so many things — and some of them might surprise you.

I’ve spoken with women (and men) about this topic over the years, many of whom were standing exactly where you are right now — devastated, confused, and desperate for some sort of clarity. What I’ve learned is that while no two situations are exactly alike, there are some common things to look for that offer insight into whether a marriage stands a real chance of surviving infidelity.

Here’s a look at some of the questions that can help you get the right answers:

Is There Genuine Remorse — or Just Regret Over Getting Caught?
One of the biggest indicators of whether a marriage can survive an affair is the way the cheating spouse responds after it comes to light.

There’s a difference between:

“I’m sorry you found out this way.”

And: “I’m devastated by what I’ve done to you and our marriage. Please let me make this right again.”

True Remorse Doesn’t Just Sound Different — It Feels Different. A truly remorseful spouse will often take full accountability (no blaming you or the marriage,) show real empathy for your pain, and express a genuine willingness to do whatever it takes to repair the damage.

If the apology feels shallow or forced — or if the unfaithful spouse is minimizing what happened — those are red flags you will need to over. You can’t rebuild a marriage if this very serious issue is still being denied or dismissed.

Is the Affair Completely Over — And Is There Total Transparency Now?: This one’s non-negotiable. It’s a potential deal breaker if the answer is no.  You can’t heal from a wound that’s still being reopened behind your back. If the affair is still ongoing (even emotionally or sporadically) or if your spouse is hesitant to give you access to their phone, email, social media, or whereabouts, it’s going to be incredibly difficult to restore trust.

I’ve seen couples make it through even long-term or emotionally intense affairs — but only after complete severance from the third party, and a new commitment to the marriage and transparency.

Transparency isn’t about control — it’s about rebuilding something that was lost and shattered. And in the early stages, it’s completely normal for the betrayed spouse to need frequent reassurance. That sometimes means coming along behind him and checking his communications. That doesn’t mean you’re weak — it means you’re trying to find your footing again and it means you want to make sure you are truly starting with a clean slate.

Are Both of You Willing to Do the Work (Even When It’s Hard And Seems Impossible At Times)?: Some people think that once the affair is over, things should “go back to normal” as quickly as is feasible because no one wants to live in constant discomfort.

But the truth is, your old normal probably wasn’t working. That doesn’t mean you’re to blame — not at all — but it does mean that things have changed so dramatically since the affair that it’s sometimes just impossible to go back to where you were before. Healing requires both of you to look honestly at how you got here, to be sure. But let’s be clear. The responsibility for making it right is on him.

That might mean having difficult, raw conversations, counseling if you both want to do it, sitting with your own pain and your partner’s discomfort, not stopping until you rebuild the trust, and moving forward as you are able.

The couples who make it are usually the ones who don’t rush the process. They understand that healing from an affair isn’t a quick fix — it’s a marathon. But if both partners are committed to that journey, it can lead to a stronger, more honest marriage than before.

Is There Still Love And Commitment, Even Underneath the Hurt?: I can’t tell you how many people have told me, “I hate what he did, but I still love him.” Or, “I never thought I’d still want to fight for this, but I do.”

Love doesn’t always disappear after an affair. Sometimes it goes into hiding. Sometimes it shows up in strange ways — like in your willingness to have one more conversation, or your decision to stay even when every part of you wants to run (assuming you get what you need to heal.

Your feelings for him don’t just turn off because of this one mistake. But you don’t have to know exactly what you feel right now. But if there’s even a small part of you that believes the connection is still there — that the person you married is still somewhere behind the betrayal — that’s worth exploring IF you decide that what’s you want to do for YOU.

Can You Eventually Forgive — Even If You’ll Never Forget?: Let’s be honest — you’ll probably never completely forget. I haven’t. The memory of the affair may always be a chapter in your story. But forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t happen. It means choosing not to let it define your future.

That doesn’t happen overnight. And it shouldn’t be forced. Forgiveness is a process — one that often includes anger, grief, confusion, and even distance. But the ability to move toward forgiveness, even slowly, is one of the strongest indicators that healing is possible. You may not want to have anything to do with him right now, but as long as you are open to it down the road – that’s enough.

It’s Okay If You Don’t Have All the Answers Yet: Some days you’ll feel hopeful. Other days you’ll feel broken all over again. That’s normal. There’s no “right” way to heal from an affair. But the fact that you’re even asking if your marriage can survive means you haven’t given up completely.

Whether you choose to stay or go, you deserve a future filled with honesty, safety, love, and peace. If your partner is truly willing to work with you toward that — and if you can see a path forward and you can feel yourself healing (even a little,) then yes, your marriage can survive.

Not just survive. But transform. And eventually, thrive. There was a time when I thought I could never survive my husband’s affair. But I did. And I feel like we have a better marriage now than we used to, even before the affair. But I won’t pretend it was easy or quick. You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin