How Do I Make My Spouse Feel Loved Again After I Cheated And Had An Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from cheating spouses who claim that they would literally do anything to save their marriage after their mistake. Often, they believe that they are doing everything in their power to make this up to their spouse. But despite their efforts, their spouse doesn’t seem to feel that it is enough.
I heard from a wife who said: “about a year and a half ago, I cheated with a male colleague. It was essentially only a weekend affair. It only happened because we were stuck together because of our work. In short, it was a situational affair and I would never repeat it. I told my husband about it immediately and since that time, I’ve done everything in my power to make this up to him. I have offered to go to counseling but he doesn’t want to. I try to show him affection and appreciation every chance that I get. Often, he’s not really accepting of my affection. If I try to compliment him, he will make a snide remark that insinuates that I don’t mean it. The other day, I got very frustrated about this and asked him why we were still struggling in our marriage. His response to me was that he just doesn’t truly feel loved by me. He says it feels like I’m just going through the motions but that he’s not my true love and that I don’t feel passionate love for him. I really don’t have any idea what more I can do to show him that I love and am committed to him. I absolutely do love him but I don’t know how to make him believe that I actually feel this way. What more can I do?”
This is a very common problem among couples that are trying to reconcile after infidelity. And it is certainly understandable. Knowing that your spouse betrayed you for someone else can make you wonder why they didn’t love you enough to be faithful but now are claiming to love you without reservation. You could understand how they have a right to these feelings, but you must overcome this if you’re going to truly save your marriage. I have a unique perspective on this as I was on the other side of it. I was the faithful spouse so I know the type of things that my husband did to convince me that he truly loved me. I will share these things below.
If Your Actions Or Words Aren’t Genuine In All Ways, Hold Back: I think there’s an understandable inclination to try to overcompensate when you know that you have made a mistake as huge as cheating. You know that you have a lot of making up to do so it’s only natural that you are willing to work very hard on this. So, whether you mean to or not, you will sometimes come on a little too strongly. You will make declarations that may seem a little insincere to the spouse who is already struggling with insecurity. And you need to be aware of this even if everything that you are saying sounds true to your own ears.
If what you are going to say or do doesn’t seem completely spontaneous and genuine, then think about delaying it for a little while. Don’t exaggerate or stretch the truth in any way, even if you think that you will be saying something that your spouse longs to hear. Your spouse is probably looking for you to tell even little white lies. They are watching very closely. And every time you say or do something that just doesn’t ring true, this is just going to make them doubt your sincerity in every aspect of your marriage.
Understand What Your Spouse Really Wants: I know that you might think that your spouse wants you to fall all over yourself demonstrating your remorse, but they probably don’t desire this as much as you think. I can tell you without any doubt what I really wanted. I just wanted my life back. I wanted the routine that only comes with a decent degree of security. I wanted to feel confident in my husband and in my marriage again. So when my husband would make these sweeping, broad gestures that weren’t typical for him, it just rang false. It made me wonder what he was trying to hide. I much preferred him being the person who I knew was his true self.
With this said, I also wanted to see him make a genuine effort to show him that he was making every attempt to understand and accommodate my feelings. What I wanted was to feel like he really understood me, empathized with me, and loved me anyway. I wanted to start over and I wanted to have a better marriage this time. But never did I want or expect my husband to grovel to be act in a way that was just weird for us.
So to answer the concern posed, much of making your spouse feel loved again is about your being genuine and about your having patience. You need to understand that they are going to have some struggles no matter if you do everything perfectly or not. But, despite this, the best thing that you can do is to stand beside them anyway and to make it very clear that you are around for the long haul because that is exactly where you want to be.
As I alluded to, I’m sure there were times when my own husband was at a loss about how to act around me after his affair. But I think that over time he realized that I wanted for him to be real and I wanted a sense of normalcy back. I didn’t want for him to walk on eggshells around me. I wanted to be playful and close again. And once we both realized this, we were able to turn a corner. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
