Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I must offer fair disclosure. Most of the time, I write my articles for the faithful spouse. That is the demographic who most often reads my articles, and those are the shoes that I myself have been in. However, sometimes when I look over the analytics for this blog, I see that there are queries from unfaithful spouses or even from the other person in the affair.

Sometimes, these queries affect everyone involved in the affair – including the faithful spouse. So I’d like to address one of them, which is what the other person should do if the faithful spouse confronts them. I’ve had people from all sides of the affair ask me about the topic, so I’ll offer my opinion in the hopes that it might help someone. 

First, here’s what the person asking the question might say, “I have to just get this out of the way. I’ve been having an affair with someone married. I never meant to hurt anyone. And I honestly thought that this would not last and that no real feelings would develop, but they have. So we haven’t broken things off like I’d assumed we would. I don’t believe that there will ever be anything permanent between us. I know that he’s never going to leave his wife for me. But his wife found out, and the man I’m having an affair with said that the wife is going to confront me as soon as she gets the chance. I have no idea what to say to her or how to react. I know of her because we live in the same area. I’ve had contact with her children. I know that she is very highly thought of in our community, and she is known as someone kind and caring. But she’s also a mama bear when it comes to her kids, and she probably thinks I’ve hurt her family. I have no interest in having an ugly confrontation. And upsetting this woman who has done nothing wrong isn’t something I want to do. But I have no idea what’s going to happen if this angry person comes at me demanding answers. What should I do?”

I will try to approach this as objectively as I can, and I’ll try to spare the feelings of everyone involved. I believe that no good can come from a confrontation. Emotions are too high to have an actual give-and-take conversation where anything is resolved. That is why I’d recommend trying to avoid the situation in the following ways.

Make a Confrontation Unnecessary:  Think about it for a second. Why do you think the wife wants to confront the other woman? One of the primary reasons is likely to tell her that the affair must stop. It’s to make the other woman see just what kind of damage she has done. Do you know what would make all of this feel a little bit less necessary? If the affair were over. If this relationship were to come to an end, the wife could focus on her healing instead of trying to get answers and resolutions.

Have Her Husband Offer Her Honest Answers:  Sometimes, the wife wants to talk to the other woman because her husband is refusing to answer her questions about the affair – or he’s refusing to be frank and honest. So she has to resort to trying to get the information from someone else.

Quite frankly, the best person to give this wife the information that she wants and needs is her husband. He should be encouraged to be forthcoming with her and give her what she needs so that she doesn’t have to resort to unfortunate and damaging confrontations that aren’t likely to help anyway. 

If She Does Confront You:  If you try the above and she still catches you unaware and is determined to confront you, please don’t engage and make things worse. No good can come of a confrontation about a very hurtful topic between two people who are so invested. She will likely be accusatory, and you’ll be defensive, so it will be difficult to come to any type of peaceful resolution. And I’m certainly not implying that you should stand there and accept words that feel extremely hurtful. It’s better to just exit the situation as soon as possible.

If you must talk to her, the best outcome would probably follow you saying what you’ve already expressed – that you never meant to hurt anyone, and you never intended for this to be a long-term thing. If you are prepared to tell her that you’ll no longer see her husband, that would probably be the best gift you could give her. 

After that, it would be an additional gift if you could leave her husband and her family alone. They have much healing to do. You likely have plenty of healing also. One of the hardest parts of recovery for many couples is when the communication between the affair partners keeps going. It is arguably usually best for everyone to cut it off and to move on. It is hard for a wife to move on when she knows she still has to worry about someone else. If you really don’t want to hurt her, then take that burden off of her plate. 

Then let her husband deal with the mess he’s made and walk away. I say this in the spirit of what is the most healthy for all involved, and that is healing. The fastest way for healing to take place is for the relationship to end so the real work can begin. 

I hope you don’t have to deal with a confrontation, and I’d try very hard to avoid it. But try to put yourself in her shoes. She’s likely reeling and looking for information and resolution in any way she can get it.

I suspect that there are some faithful wives reading this article. If it helps, healing is possible whether you stay in your marriage or not. I stayed, but either way, it’s possible to move on. You’re welcome to read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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