Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There is a conception that married men cheat more often than married women. But, the statistics do not bear this out. Women cheat just as often as men. But in my opinion, men are better able to rationalize their affair than are women. Wives who cheat tend to confess more (at least in my experience) because the guilt overcomes them. Women are more likely to accept responsibility and blame because justifying and rationalizing their behavior is more difficult for their mind set. And that’s why I hear from a lot of wives who don’t understand how their husband can rationalize his cheating behavior.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair. I am completely shocked by this because we have a good marriage and my husband admits this. He admits that he really didn’t have a legitimate reason for the affair. I don’t understand this. My best friend’s husband cheated on her about six months ago. My friend is the best wife imaginable. She worked to put her husband through graduate school. She is loyal, playful, and beautiful. I don’t get why men can cheat on wonderful wives and families. Of course, as soon as they are caught, they start begging these wives not to leave them. But the damage is done. What are they thinking? How can they possibly justify their stupid behavior to themselves?”

I will do my best to answer this question in a way that makes sense. But, it’s hard for women to understand this because our mind often doesn’t work in the same way. When my husband cheated and gave me his litany of excuses, he sounded so sincere as if he believed every single thing that he was saying. Still, none of it made sense to me because I would never think (or act) in the same way.

With this said, I hear from a lot of men who have affairs (and wish that they hadn’t) and I do have some theories as to how they attempt to justify or rationalize it. I will share some of them below.

He May Be Happy In His Marriage, But Think That Nothing Will Change Because No One Will Know: It’s actually very common for men who claim that they were happily married to cheat despite this. This tends to surprise people but it is true. Often, married men cheat for a couple of reasons. They are trying to work through some issue or insecurity within themselves. Or, they are just faced with the opportunity, they act very impulsively, and they think that no one is going to have to find out. They figure that this can’t hurt you if you don’t know. They don’t count on the fact that these things have a way of coming out.

They May Feel That They Are Actually Helping Your Marriage: Many men don’t want to admit to being even a little bit dissatisfied in a very good marriage with a very good wife. They often are well aware that they have a lot to be grateful for, so they hate to admit (even to themselves) that they wish things were a little different in whatever way. So they cheat in an attempt to avoid complaining. They figure they will take care of their needs in a way that isn’t going to hurt you or sound like unfounded criticism in a situation where no reasonable person could expect any more.

They May Take One Little Flaw Or Slight And Blow It Up: Often you both know that you haven’t done anything heinous enough to justify him cheating on you. And this is why he will sometimes take tiny little flaws and magnify them. He may not even realize that he is doing this. But, he is doing this because he needs justification for his actions.

For example, let’s say that there is one day when he wants to spend time with you but your child needs your help with homework or your attendance at a school event. Understandably, you figure that your husband is an adult and can survive without you for a couple of hours while you tend to your child’s needs. Your husband can and should accept this. But he might take this one tiny event and blow it up so that he’s thinking “I’m not the most important person to my wife.” Or “my wife doesn’t make the time for me.”

At that point, he’s more susceptible to cheat. And when he does, he might suddenly look for times and occasions when he can say that you didn’t prioritize him enough. This isn’t fair and it also isn’t accurate. But it is one of many ways that men will attempt to justify their actions.

They Will Sometimes Just Turn Off Their Conscience: This is something that women don’t understand because it is very difficult for us to do this. Sometimes, a man can just turn off his guilty conscience at the time that he is cheating. He does this so that he is able to proceed. That’s not to say that the guilt doesn’t catch up to him eventually. But, in my opinion and experience, men are more easily able to turn off their objections so that they can carry out the cheating. A woman is more likely to stop just short of cheating because she’s fully aware of her mistakes at the time. A man is more likely to fully realize his mistake later – once the cheating has already taken place.

None of these things are valid excuses. And I’m not bringing them up because I am trying to excuse what he did. I just want to make you aware of how cheating husbands think sometimes. That’s not to say he doesn’t see how he was wrong now and he is not sorry. But it’s common for men to put aside their common sense at the time and then regret it later.

I understand that none of this makes it easier.  But it might help you to see what you are up against so that you can formulate to plan to help him realize that his thinking was incredibly flawed and can not be repeated. You’re welcome to read more about my own struggles before I healed on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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