Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lerch: If your spouse had an affair and you’re still standing — still trying, still considering giving the marriage a second chance — then you’re already doing something incredibly brave. But you may not feel very brave. You may feel naive, or feel confused, exhausted, and constantly asking yourself, “How can I ever trust him again? Am I being a fool to even think I can?”

You’re not alone in that. Rebuilding trust after an affair is one of the hardest things a couple can face. And if you’re unsure whether it’s even possible — that’s completely normal. I’ve talked with so many women who say, “I want to trust him again. I want to believe it won’t happen again. But I just… can’t. Doing so would make me an idiot.”

Let’s take a look at what they might take – assuming that is what you want.

Know That Trust Isn’t a Decision. It’s a Process: A lot of people will tell you to “just forgive and move on.” That’s not how this works. And those people are not walking in your shoes. So you can safely ignore them.

Rebuilding trust after betrayal isn’t like flipping a switch. It’s more like gluing a shattered vase back together — one tiny, delicate piece at a time. There are going to be cracks. There will be days when it all feels like it might fall apart again. But with patience and consistency, it can start to feel whole again — even if it never looks exactly the same.

The keyword here is consistency. Your spouse will need to show you, day after day, that they are safe, reliable, and honest. You will be waiting and waiting. As your spouse shows you that he is doing exactly what he said that he would, you may feel more comfortable in trusting, but this takes time and patience.

You’re Allowed to Need Repeated Reassurance: This is something I wish more betrayed spouses were told: You are not “crazy” for asking questions. You are not “clingy” for needing to check. You are not “controlling” for needing transparency. These things are your right for the hand you’ve been dealt.

You’ve been lied to. Probably more than once. Your instincts have been shaken. So it’s not only understandable that you’d need reassurance — it’s healthy. You wouldn’t be doing your due diligence otherwise. In fact, in the couples I’ve seen recover the strongest, the betrayer understands that rebuilding trust means being radically transparent — and offering reassurance even when it’s inconvenient.

If your spouse responds with defensiveness, impatience, or guilt-tripping, that’s a red flag. And he needs to reverse course if he is serious about rebuilding the trust.

But if he leans in with empathy, remains accountable, and says things like, “I know I caused this. I’m here to earn back your trust, however long that takes,” then that shows promise. And it is important to see the difference.

You Don’t Have to Pretend You’re Fine Or Over It No Matter Where You Are In The Process: One of the most painful things about trying to rebuild after an affair is the pressure to “move on” before you’re ready. Sometimes even your spouse — or well-meaning friends or family — will say things like: “If you chose to stay, you have to let it go.” Or “You’ll drive yourself crazy if you keep bringing it up.” Or  “He’s doing better now. Why can’t you?” Tune all of this out.

Because here’s the truth: healing isn’t linear. You might feel hopeful one day, and devastated the next. That’s not a setback — that’s trauma. Betrayal trauma takes time. There will be triggers. There will be tears months (even years) after the affair ends. That doesn’t mean you’re not healing. It means you’re human.

You’re allowed to grieve at your own pace. And if your spouse truly wants to earn back your trust, they will make space for that grief, without making it about their guilt. Both of you will have to be patient. This often just takes time and showing up, and doing the work by other parties.

Trust Isn’t Just About What They Do. It’s About What You Need: Part of rebuilding trust isn’t just watching what they do — it’s tuning into what you need. What does safety look like to you now? What boundaries need to be put in place? What helps you feel calm, informed, and respected?

Examples of things that wives in this situation often need are: daily check-ins for a while, access to digital devices or accounts, agreements about contact with the affair partner (if applicable), emotional presence — not just physical, and an ongoing dialogue about what was broken and how you will fix it (hint YOU were never broken. He made the mistake of cheating. So the responsibility of fixing it lies on his shoulders.)

You get to define what rebuilding trust looks like for you. It’s okay to have conditions. It’s okay to say, “This is what I need in order to stay and feel safe.” And it is up to him to rise to the occasion.

Eventually, Trust Becomes a Choice, But Not a Blind One: There may come a time — weeks, months, or even years from now — when you realize that you’ve gathered enough evidence, felt enough change, and experienced enough repair to start choosing trust again.

That doesn’t mean you forget. It doesn’t mean you stop being aware. But it does mean you stop living in a constant state of fear.

That moment may feel small at first, like laughing together without thinking about the affair. Or sleeping through the night without checking his phone. Or feeling love again without pain riding its coattails. You’ll know it when it comes. You won’t need to force it.

You’re Allowed to Take This One Day at a Time. You Have Every Right To Protect Your Heart: Rebuilding trust is a long, sometimes frustrating process. But it’s one that many couples do get through — not just surviving, but actually thriving on the other side. Not because they went back to what they had before — but because they built something more honest, deeper, and more intentional than before, because they did MUCH emotional labor to get their.

It’s okay to still be in limbo. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again, but I’m willing to see if I can.” That willingness is powerful. And it’s enough for today. There is nothing wrong with watching and waiting to see if your husband will rise to the occasion. I certainly did. And I am still married today. If you want to read about how I healed after my husband’s affair, that story is at https://surviving-the-affair.

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