Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I think it is fair to say that sometimes, both spouses crave normalcy after one of them has been caught cheating or having an affair. However, the definition of “normal” can vary between the spouses. Often, the faithful spouse sees normalcy as the ability to trust and feel safe again. And the cheating spouse craves the normalcy of physical contact and sex, when, at times, this is the last thing that the faithful spouse is pondering.

Thankfully, fulfilling one desire for normalcy can sometimes help meet another one. I’ll tell you what I mean momentarily. But first, here is a common complaint from a cheating spouse. A wife might say, “I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I cheated on my husband. I need to be very clear. I never checked out of my marriage. I never promised that I would give up my husband for the other person. It was a very short fling without any feelings involved. Still, my husband found out about it, and he is both furious and devastated. He acts like I have the plague. He won’t come near me, much less show me any affection. He’s admitted that he is not going to divorce or separate because of our children. But if we keep going at this rate, we will have a sham marriage. The other day, my husband let me hug him, but when I tried to take it further, he turned his head. I worry that I am never going to have sex with him again. How long before my spouse will sleep with me? Am I just going to have to be celibate if I want to say married after my affair?”

Probably not. I understand your impatience, but, as a faithful spouse who was also in this situation, I can tell you that pushing your spouse is not likely to speed up the process. In fact, it may make things worse. At the beginning of this article, I mentioned that the faithful spouse craves the normalcy of feeling safe enough to trust again. Not so coincidentally, this is often when a faithful spouse begins to have sexual feelings again – when he or she can trust. From my own experience and through speaking with many other couples, emotional recovery often comes before physical recovery.

Since an affair often means that your spouse has been sleeping with someone else, hopping back into bed with them is not always your highest priority, even when they pressure you or you really want to.

Why The TimeLine Varies: Marriages differ from one another in the same way that people do. While one faithful spouse may be comfortable returning to the marital bed within weeks, someone else may take months. I believe that most of the time, resuming sexual intimacy often coincides with the strengthening of emotional intimacy, but I concede that this observation does not hold true for every couple. What feels comfortable for one person may be unthinkable for someone else. Still, there are a few things that you can do to make your spouse feel a little safer. I will list them below:

Show Your Spouse That His / Her Needs Are Much More Important Than Yours Right Now: As hard as it may be to face, you may have to work hard to regain your spouse’s affection and trust. Yes, marital problems usually come down to mistakes and omissions by BOTH partners. However, the partner who cheats has arguably made the biggest mistake. So, the responsibility to fix it is larger for the cheating spouse. You must be accountable and you must make it clear that you will work tirelessly to make your spouse somewhat whole again. This often means tending to his / her emotional needs instead of worrying about your physical needs. I know that this may feel as if you are putting yourself on the back burner, but it will also sometimes mean that your needs are met more quickly because your spouse will perceive you as giving rather than selfish.  The last thing you want is to appear as if all you care about is sex – when sex got you into this mess in the first place.

Accept The Hugs For Now: If your spouse is allowing you to hug him or her, then gratefully accept whatever form of affection that they are willing to offer. You may have to get your physical fix through more innocent forms of touch right now. But if you are patient, supportive, and loving, this should not last forever.

Let It Happen Naturally, With The Faithful Spouse Taking The Initiative, If Possible: You must be open with your spouse about your stance on this. If you aren’t, they may think that you are no longer attracted to them, which isn’t what you want. So you want to be very clear and say something like, “I am willing to be patient for as long as it takes. We can take sex off the table until you are comfortable. I will wait for cues from you because the last thing that I want to do is pressure you. ”

Then, wait very patiently and offer support. You know that a hug will be accepted, so don’t try for any more right now. Let your spouse initiate additional contact. By the time my husband and I did resume our sex life, it was quite obvious that the time was right. Although this did require patience, it was better than having a bad or awkward experience that would have only increased our doubts.

Get Help If You Need To: It’s so important to have a plan for your recovery. Many couples make the mistake of thinking that time and patience is all that is needed. In my experience, it is not. Your spouse likely wants to see rehabilitation and a serious attempt to make this right. He or she doesn’t want to just sit there and wait for changes and realizations that are never going to come. If you want physical intimacy with your spouse, be willing to do the work and the rehabilitation. That is how good faith works. Sure, very few of us love counseling, self-help, or exposing our vulnerabilities, but if this is what you need to do, then there’s no time like the present.

My husband and I absolutely needed a rehabilitation plan. In fact, we had to regroup a couple of different times and try different things. Although that seemed frustrating at the time, it has ensured that our marriage has endured and even thrived. You can read that story at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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