Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have been waiting for the “other woman” to show her true colors and therefore become less attractive to the husband. The wife often hopes this process isn’t going to take very long, since it’s hard to be patient when you feel your marriage slipping away. But when this doesn’t happen right away, the wife begins to worry that it may never happen.

So I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband is cheating with a young gold digger. I know that this sounds harsh, but it is frankly true. She is young and pretty and poor. She has no education. She has no skills. She has nothing going for her other than the fact that she attracted my husband to her. When I tell my husband this, he tells me that I’m completely wrong about her. He insists that she loves him for who he is. It is very hard for me to keep a straight face when he says this. She loves a middle aged man who is overweight? Give me a break. I am pretty sure that before long, her greediness is going to start to show. My friends tell me that I should just bide my time. They say that her little gold digging will eventually come through. I suspect that this might be true. But, how long is it going to take? It is so hard for me not to give my husband an earful about this. I feel like he’s such an idiot for not seeing this. How long until he comes to his senses?”

It’s impossible for me to predict this. But I can tell you this. The other woman is probably well aware that every one in this situation is going to suspect that she is a gold digger. So, she is likely to be very careful. Sure, it is going to be impossible for her not to let down her guard at some point. But especially in the beginning, she is sure to be careful. She likely knows that she is being watched. And she may not want to give up the great possibility she sees in her future.

Be Careful As To How Much You Bring Your Husband’s Attention To This.  You Really Only Need To Say It Once: I know that you want to snap him to his senses. But do you know what happens when you continue to bring his attention to the possibility that she’s not sincere? He will actually defend her. He doesn’t want to think that a beautiful, young woman like her wouldn’t be attracted to an older man like him. No one wants to see themselves in this way. Worse than this, he will start to look for behaviors in her that prove you wrong. In that way, he’s actually becoming more attracted to her. He’s defending her more and more. And, he’s actually more likely to notice when she exhibits positive behavior that will prove to him that she loves him for him, (as unlikely as this might be in real life.)

Control What You Can – Yourself: You need to be careful when you use this strategy and you don’t continue to try to bring his attention what he’s already trying to deny. Because in time, he is going to figure this out on his own. And, when he does, it’s going to have so much more impact and it is going to feel so much more genuine. So as hard as it may be, I believe that the best thing to do is to step away and focus on yourself. Allow this process to unfold without your needing to interfere. Because it is likely to unfold. If what you believe is true, then the odds are very good that she will eventually show her true self. The question then becomes what will your husband do when he sees it. This isn’t something that you can control. But you can control how you play it right now. And my recommendation would be to let this be for a little while and to focus on yourself. This will allow your husband to see things a little more clearly because he won’t that he needs to defend her as much.

I know that it might feel like a risk. But I believe that it more risky to put him in a position where he is defending her and the relationship. Because this may actually make their relationship stronger. And this isn’t what you want. When you spend the time to work on yourself, really focus on what you want going forward. Work very hard to restore your self esteem and self worth. Because there are other issues here as to whether or not he will see her true self. He needs to see your true self also. He needs to see your worth and what he has put at risk. But these are things that he is going to need to figure out for himself. You can’t control this. But you can control yourself. And you deserve for you to be your own best advocate.

So while I can’t answer how long it will take for him to see the truth, I can tell you that the sooner you start your own healing, the better it will be for everyone concerned.  It wasn’t until I started working on myself that I started to feel a little better. If it helps, you can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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