How Much Should I Ask My Spouse About The Affair Sex?
By: Katie Lersch: It’s very natural and normal to wonder about the sex between your spouse and the person with whom they cheated. After all, that is the crux of an affair, right? By definition, it’s an affair because your spouse had sex with someone else. So of course you wonder just what that sex was like and why your spouse was willing to risk your marriage for it.
But as much as you might be curious, you also may intuitively understand that once you cross this bridge, there is no going back. So a wife will struggle with something like this: “my husband and I are really at odds after his affair. He says he wants our marriage and that he has ended it. I am trying. I do love him. But the biggest problem I have is the sex. I am almost scared to have sex with him. I have this worry that sex with me is awful. Otherwise, why would he cheat? I am worried that sex with her was incredible. My friend says I need to press him to tell me EXACTLY what type of sex they had on each occasion because I need to know exactly what I am up against and what I have to compete with. I understand her thinking. And I am curious, of course. But I am not sure if I want to have this conversation. I am not sure that I really want to know. Because once I do, how can I forget?”
I remember this dilemma with my own husband’s affair. And here is how my thought process went. Yes, I wanted to know – sort of. But I also knew that I was going to create a mental picture that was hard to erase. At the same time, I knew that if I didn’t seek information, I was going to create the worst possible scenario in my own head.
So I did ask. There was a huge argument. And tears. And we repeated this exchange over and over. It was always the same. I demanded complete honestly and then got furious when he gave me just that. I would grill him as to whether he was telling me the truth. He would insist that he was. I would still have doubts and feel like I was missing something. This frustrated and infuriated us both. Until I realized something. I wasn’t there – meaning, I couldn’t possibly have been present as these events were taking place. No matter what, there are no way to create a realty in which I was witnessing what actually happened. Otherwise, there was really no way for me to know.
Could my husband be telling me the truth about things? Of course, but his version of reality and my version of reality were going to be two different things. And his perception at the time of the affair and his perception after it were also two different things.
Another thing that I came to realize was that the more information that I received about this topic, the more pressure I experienced and the more unhappy I felt. This actually made me feel worse and less confident rather than better and more confident. It made me worry that I would never measure up or be adventurous enough. Sure, my husband could tell me that it was run-of-the mill sex with no chandelier-hanging involved. But once again, we were back to the fact that I wasn’t there and therefore could not completely believe what I was being told.
Truly, this information-seeking followed by disbelief is kind of a losing game. You think that it is going to provide you with something that you need, but it actually feeds onto your insecurities and makes you more shaky in your confidence and convictions.
I finally determined that I wanted to know the basics. I wanted to know if the sex was safe and whether I needed to be tested for anything. And beyond that, I figured that my focus was better placed on my own sex life – whenever I was ready to start having it again.
Once we resumed our sex life, it was tempting to compare. Or to feel like I had to compete. But again, you have to ask yourself what makes you feel better and what makes you feel worse. You have to determine what keeps you in the past and what moves you forward. If dwelling on the sex feeds your insecurities and stalls your own sex life then, in my opinion, it just isn’t worth it.
If there was an affair, then you know that there was sex. You might theorize that it was great sex. But really, it was forbidden. It was spur of the moment. And the excitement is in that – not in the act itself. And since it is now over and since the vast majority of affairs end, how great could it really have been? Plus most people who have affairs will tell you it was more about feeling young or special again instead of just the sex.
It’s very easy to get caught up on this. But it generally doesn’t offer much benefit. You certainly have a right to ask for the details that you feel you need. But be careful that you don’t create an obsession that only makes you feel worse about your situation and about yourself. In my experience, the best thing that you can do is to focus on your own sex life and your own sexual confidence. Once you do that, you simply don’t care as much about someone else.
Once I realized that the obsession with the sexual details did nothing but make me feel worse, I also vowed that I was never going to feel that I had to compete. I decided that the best thing to do was to focus on my own sexual confidence, feel the best that I could, and then let it go. This worked well. Once you feel confident in your own abilities, you don’t worry about others nearly as much. There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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