Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives know exactly how they feel after the discovery of their husband’s affair. They know that they are in severe pain. They know that they are lost. They know that they now question everything. They know that they are angry and insecure. But they don’t know whether or not it is OK to show these feelings. They wonder if they should be upfront about their feelings or if they should be projecting something else. Is it OK to show him how angry you are? Or should you act more humbling so that he has compassion for you?

A wife might describe it this way: “my feelings are truly all over the place after my husband’s affair. Sometimes, I can’t even stand to have him near me. And other times, the thought of us not being together just destroys me. Sometimes, I want him just because I have doubts about myself and our marriage and I desperately want that reassurance. But when he tries to give it to me, I feel compelled to reject him because if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be a display of self respect. If I was to show him what I was feeling at all time, he might think I was unstable. That is how much my feelings swing back and forth. I don’t have any idea how I should be acting around him. Because it seems that when I act angry, he goes out of his way to be more kind and accommodating to me, which I feel is just. But when I act needy, then I feel his pity, which I don’t want. So I have no idea how I am supposed to be acting around him.”

This is very common. After the discovery of the affair, you know that you are wounded and, to make matters worse, you feel as if you have been put on display. So you can sometimes feel as if you have to be guarded about what you allow to be seen. You don’t want to come off as weak or as too insecure. But you don’t want to be seen as one of those bitter, rejected wives without any feelings either.

The thing is, I don’t think that it is ever healthy to push down your feelings. If you don’t willingly let them out, then they are doing to demand to come out in all sorts of unhealthy ways. I always found it helpful to release my feelings in a journal so that I had a little more control over my behavior in front of others.

But having said this, I don’t want for you to feel that you have to hide what you have a genuine right to feel. It is perfectly normal to have feelings that change from one minute to the next. It is normal to feel different things toward your husband at different times. And it is perfectly normal to feel as if you are regressing when you feel very differently today than you felt yesterday. Quite honestly, you did nothing wrong. So I don’t want for you to feel as if you need to hide anything from anyone.

At the same time, if you have the feeling of being vulnerable and on display, you can always remove yourself from the situation and take a little time for yourself. I never felt the need to sugar coat my feelings for my husband. I was angry, disappointed, and confused and he absolutely knew it. I wasn’t going to pretend that I wasn’t any of these things. I had no idea what was going to happen with our marriage. Much of the outcome depended on his own behaviors moving forward. And he knew that too.

Now, there were times when we were interacting and things got so heated that they were destructive. There were times when I was lashing out at my husband and, if I am being honest, I was saying things that I really didn’t mean. I think that it is in these times that you may want to take a time out and release the feelings in your journal or to a friend before you say things that can’t be taken back.

But I don’t think that you want to regularly pretend to feel something that you don’t. There is no reason to completely hide your feelings. You can’t be expected not to have strong feelings and he likely knows that you have them anyway.

I always tried to act as if I were coping as best as I could and I was trying not to lose control of myself. But, I was absolutely struggling and there was no hiding that. Attempting to do so would have meant being dishonest to everyone. So, to answer the question, I think that it’s best to act as if you are a wife who has been dealt a difficult hand but who is trying her best to process this and who is trying to deal with it in the most healthy way as is possible for her own well being.  Because this is just the truth.

I don’t think it’s realistic to think that you will always have complete control over your feelings and your behavior after the affair.  There is nothing wrong with being honest as long as you aren’t deliberately trying to hurt someone.   The goal is always to move forward and to focus on your own well being.  But no one expects you to handle everything perfectly.  None of this is your fault.  You can read more about how I chose to act after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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