Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It is a very hard thing to process when your husband is having an affair. Often, all you can do is take things day by day and wait to act until things become more clear. However, when your husband takes this a step further and announces that he is leaving you for the other woman, well, that can make things much more immediate. And that can make your actions and your reactions just that much more important. You are left wondering how you should act, what you should say, and where you go from here.

A wife might describe it this way. “I was floored when my husband told me that he was having an affair. I don’t know the other woman. She was a new hire at his job. I have no idea what she looks like, who she is, and why he finds her so irresistible. I had hoped to be able to take my time when it comes to how to handle her. I figured that I would not rush the process and then after several weeks, I would evaluate how I am feeling about things and then make a decision regarding my marriage. Well, it’s now pretty obvious that I am not going to have this luxury because now my husband is telling me that not only is he in love with her, but that he is leaving me to be with her. I have no idea how I am supposed to respond to this. Part of me wants to tell him that he’s a jerk and that in his attempt to ride off into the sunset, I hope that the two of them have a horrible, dysfunctional relationship. And that one day he will realize what an idiot he was to walk away from his family. I hope that he realizes that he is going to lose everything. But I’m scared to say these words because I want to preserve the slight chance that we might one day save our marriage. Considering that, how do I respond to this?”

The wife was right (at least in my opinion) to look at the long term. Because it would be so easy to tell the husband that you don’t care what he does (or who he does it with) because you are absolutely done with a cheater like him. The problem is that you don’t want to say this unless you are sure that you are absolutely done with him. (And this is going to be very unlikely if you children.  If you do, he is always going to be in your life.) If there is any doubt, then you want to be careful about how you react, even if you do end up giving him a piece of your mind.

I believe that it’s probably safe to assume that he already knows that you are going to be furious with him. Pretending that you aren’t isn’t likely to fool anyone. Still, you probably want to choose your words carefully.

I will admit that I’ve not been in this situation first hand. Although I did deal with infidelity in my own marriage, my husband never wanted to stay with the other woman. He was willing to end it immediately. So, what I would have done had this not been the case is only speculation on my part.

But, I would like to think that I would have said something like:”well that’s very disappointing and frustrating. I would think that most people would realize that they can’t have a healthy, new relationship until they deal with their old relationship. You haven’t made any attempt to do that. So I would have to suspect that ultimately, both relationships don’t have a fair chance as a result. I can’t change what you do. The direction that you take with your life is ultimately up to you. It’s disappointing that after all our time together, you can walk away so easily for someone who you barely know. But I can’t change this for now. What I can do is to focus on myself and on our family and that is precisely what I intend to do. Only time will tell as to how this all plays out. But for my part, I’m going to focus on living in a healthy way that is in alignment with my own values. Perhaps we will regroup to discuss this later. Perhaps not. All I can do is hope that you find whatever it is that you are looking for and that you don’t regret this later.”

Notice that this was worded very carefully. It’s clear that you are disappointed and not very happy. But you aren’t saying anything that would preclude having a decent relationship down the road. And, should this ill-fated new relationship not work out, which would be typical, then you haven’t said or done anything that is going to paint you in an unflattering light. He will likely look back and see that you conducted yourself pretty admirably, considering the circumstances. And there will be no doubt that the mistake was all his.

Some people will ask why I didn’t try to talk him out of leaving. It’s my opinion that this is often futile. It’s pretty clear that you don’t want him to go, but begging him to stay or trying to debate it often isn’t effective anyway and it makes you look desperate. I feel it’s best not to stoop to that level. You don’t want to imply that there is something wrong with you or that you need to manipulate him to get him to stay, especially since you did nothing wrong. It’s my belief that it is better to give off the impression of strength rather than weakness. But again, this is only my opinion.  And every wife has to make that decision for themselves, considering their husband’s personality and how he has responded to similar behavior in the past.

I know that this is a hard time.  But the early days are usually the very worst.  Often, if you just wait, the other woman will be revealed for who she really is and your husband will realize his mistake.  And that is when you are in the driver’s seat.  If it helps, you can read more about my bout with infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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