Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Having a husband who cheats is one of the things that almost all women fear. We all know couples who have had their marriages ruined by cheating. We all know wives who were never really the same after they were cheated on. This is many of our “worst case scenarios” — the thing that we’ve seen happen to many of our friends, but have silently prayed never happens to us. So, when it does happen to us, we immediately go into grief mode, afraid that the big bad wolf we’ve been hiding from for so long has finally found us and is breaking down the door.

And once we’re in the crosshairs of this process, we often really struggle with digging ourselves out. We sort of hole up, and focus solely on what was done to us rather than how we can take care of ourselves right now. In fact, most of the time, we take the absolute last seat on the bus. Because it’s so much easier to focus on where we failed and how we’re vulnerable and how much we are hurting. And, everyone is going to do this at first. It’s just human nature. But eventually, if we are to get ourselves back, we must learn how to best cope with an eye toward ourselves – not on others. This article will offer some tips and advice to help you do just that.

Moving From Grief To Coping After Your Husband Has Cheated: It’s only natural to be reeling for a while after you learn of his cheating or of an affair. It just takes time to process this. It can be really hard to wrap your brain around this at first and your mind is going to be swimming with questions that only he can answer, but probably won’t. Often, he’s trying to spare you pain, although you may not realize it at the time.

Still, you will want to know everything about her. What does she look like? Why he was attracted to her? What did they do and when? Is she still in the picture? How can you compete with her? And the list goes on and on. Once you get over your obsession with her, you’ll often want to know about all of the ways that you were betrayed. Who else knew about or participated in this? Where did this take place? How did this end? Or, did it?

The point is, you will have so many questions. And these things will just keep going through your mind as a continuous and nonending loop. Sometimes, your husband will do his very best to provide you with answers, but often, this just isn’t good enough because the trust is gone and you’re not sure if he’s just lying some more.

But, here’s the thing that you must eventually come to understand. You might never get the answers that are going to satisfy you. Yes, you absolutely have the right to ask them. But, it’s important that you don’t get stuck just repeating the same old thing and holding onto it like a crutch. Here’s the thing. Knowing these answers is not always going to make you feel any better. And, I firmly believe that you keep going back to these places because you are looking for some relief. You want to feel better. But, you don’t realize at the time that this is a dead end to nowhere which is only going to make you feel worse and worse.

To really cope and move forward after a husband’s cheating, the real key is to interrupt, and then to stop, the continuous loop of these hurtful thoughts and questions. Now, I know that this is a tall order. This is a difficult thing to accomplish. But, you must never stop trying and you must understand that this takes some practice and that it gets much easier over time.

Taking Care Of Yourself As A Means Of Coping With His Affair: Many women will immediately place the focus on their husbands. They are trying to understand his motivations and his thought process. And yes, it’s vital to understand why this has happened. But, never forget to also focus on yourself. You are wounded. And, unfortunately, often the only one who is going to tend to you and give you what you need is yourself. Men often aren’t socialized to offer this kind of care and, even if they were, you would be unlikely to accept this without your questioning his sincerity. You must take responsibility for being conscious of, accepting of, and then capable of, giving yourself what you need.

This may mean taking some time away from the situation. This might mean giving yourself permission to be “selfish” and to focus on only your needs and yourself for a little while. This may mean being honest about where your own insecurities and perceived shortcomings hold you back and giving yourself permission to fix these things. It may mean being brutally honest with your husband about what you need from him to begin to find your way back. 

Whatever you end up needing, please be honest. Don’t try to pretend that you’re something that you are not or that you’re OK when you are really struggling. There is no shame in this. You are not at fault. You did not cause this to happen. But, you do have to take responsibility for getting what you need to help you get through this and to emerge better and stronger as a result. Because if you are not brave and ask for and demand what you need, then no one is going to do this for you.

And, unfortunately, as a result, you will get less than what you need and deserve. And you don’t deserve this. You have every bit as much right and need to be happy as he does. That’s not to say that you can’t be happy with him. Maybe you will. But you won’t know this until you are able to break the loop of those hurtful and destructive thoughts we talked about. It’s not fair to you to allow these things to follow you around and hurt you over and over again. Do whatever you need to do to break and then stop this process. When you feel yourself sinking into this abyss, distract yourself with something that you enjoy or something that might take your mind off of this – even for a little while.

This may feel false or forced at first, but you do it more and more, I promise that it becomes easier