Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  One of the biggest issues to overcome after your husband has an affair is your insecurities about sex.  In the best case scenario, your husband assures you that the sex with the other woman wasn’t as great as the sex he has with you.

In the worst case scenario, your husband is clear that he preferred sex with the other woman.  This can be a real problem when you have both committed to save your marriage.  Because no matter how much you may want to move on, anyone would be insecure about their sexuality with this ugly knowledge.

Here’s what I mean. You might hear: “I truly want to make my marriage work, despite the fact that my husband cheated on me.  But I just can’t stop focusing on the fact that the sex between them was clearly the draw.  One day, my husband and I were at counseling and this topic came up.  My husband didn’t say anything at first.  But when pressed, he blurted out how great the sex was.  I couldn’t stop myself from asking ‘better than sex with me?’  And my husband’s reply was ‘yes, much better, to be honest.’  Ever since then, we have regressed in terms of our progress. I don’t want to have sex with my husband now because I am self conscious and I know that he is comparing the two.  I am not sure that I can move past this.  I am always going to feel second best.  Some days, I feel like ending this marriage so that I can eventually find a man who thinks that sex with me is the best and all that he wants.  But then I think about my children.  And I can’t do it.  So I have committed to this marriage, but I don’t know how to move past this.”

I know that this is painful and hard.  And I also know that your inclination might be to try harder, to make yourself what you think your husband finds sexy and seduce your husband and to try to beat her at her own game.  While this is understandable, when it goes wrong, it can be devastating. And there are many reasons that it can go wrong.  You may not be ready to go there yet.  Or perhaps you haven’t yet worked through the awkwardness or you haven’t gotten to the emotional level where good sex is possible.  Trying and then having it go wrong is damaging.  Rather than forcing it, I think that there is a better way.  And I’ll discuss it more below.

Focus On Healing Your Emotions First:  I know that this may seem backward.  I know that you may feel pressured to have good sex.  So placing your focus elsewhere feels like you are only delaying things.  But I firmly believe from my own experience and hearing from others that it’s very hard to have good sex when there is mistrust or issues still between you.  It’s amazing that when you start to heal and have made indisputable progress on your marriage, almost like magic, the sexual chemistry and desire returns.  It is very hard to have one without the other unless you’re going to fake it, which is never advisable.  Wives often worry how their husband will take the delay.  Sometimes, you might be surprised to find that this actually increases his desire because it’s forbidden for now.  You don’t want to present this like it’s a punishment or like you can’t have great sex.  You just want to present it as it’s the natural progression of things, which is going to give you the best chance to save your marriage.  Your counselor can likely help you with this.

Learn Some New Skills To Boost Your Confidence:  Frankly, I have heard from many men on this topic and most of them agree that confidence and enthusiasm are sexy.  It’s very hard to have great sex when you don’t believe it’s possible or when you fear that he really doesn’t want to be there.  You have to know that he wants to be there.  You need to feel that he’s lucky to be with you.

Quite honestly, I have come to believe that good sex is a skill that you can learn just like being a good cook.  Like anything else, it takes practice, but it can be honed.  There are techniques and tricks you can pick up that might shock and delight your husband.  And make it so that you no longer worry that he is comparing the two of you.  Because it will be obvious that he is right where he wants to be.  And as this happens, your confidence will increase and things will get better and better.  This cycle feeds on itself and that is to your benefit.

I know that your self confidence is low and that this is very difficult.  But it is possible to turn this around.  You have to believe in yourself and you have to know that you are good enough.  With a little work and healing, it’s possible to have the confidence that he is lucky to have you.   I finally got there.  It did take work.  It did take me learning new things and going outside of my comfort zone.  But in the end, that was to my benefit.   There’s more detail about this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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