Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many women struggle to move forward after their husband or boyfriend cheats on them. Sometimes, they are dealing with a one night stand or a fling and other times, they are dealing with a full blown affair. Usually, they don’t want to or can’t afford to leave, but they are still having difficulty with the situation. They are often still reeling and angry. They might not understand why he cheated or where to go from here. They often want very much to heal, but they just don’t know where to start and they can’t imagine what would make them feel better without any drastic changes taking place.

Some of the comments you’ll typically hear are things like this:  “I’m not going to leave him even though he cheated. I want to work this out. But every time I look at him, I just feel so angry. Sometimes I hate to even be in the same room with him. We fight all of the time now. The cheating is the elephant in the room that neither one of us want to mention. I want things to get better and I want to save the relationship but with this much anger and awkwardness, I’m not even sure that’s possible. How do I live with this man who cheated on me when my emotions are just all over the place?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Accept That Healing Is Going To Take Some Time And Attention: Many people want to fix the relationship as soon as possible. They hate feeling so angry and they hate the way that they hurt. So, it’s tempting to try to rush or gloss over the process of recovery. But it’s often unrealistic to think that you’re going to heal simply because you want to. Often, in order to truly move on in a healthy and lasting way, you will need to do some work to facilitate healing. This often means understanding why the cheating happened and placing safeguards in place so that it doesn’t happen again.

It also means working hard and taking the time to restore the trust and to rebuild the relationship. It means rehabilitating the man so that he won’t act the next time troubles arise. You both can acquire new tools to help arm yourself with new ways of handling issues before they become overly problematic. All of these things will make living with and loving him much easier and more healthy for you, but these things do take time and effort that usually just can’t be rushed.

Set Some Ground Rules So That You Aren’t Forced Into Something That Makes You Uncomfortable Or Compromises Your Feelings: I understand that often you can’t afford to move or leave or that sometimes you just don’t want to be displaced because of a decision or a mistake that he made. But just because you’re not leaving, this doesn’t mean things have to be the same as they have always been if you’re not comfortable with this.

You might want some time and distance and there is nothing wrong with asking for this. Perhaps you’re not comfortable sharing a bedroom or living in close quarters right now until some healing or rehabilitation takes place. There is nothing wrong with this. The key is to be open and honest so that there aren’t misunderstandings and resentments. It’s important to be forthcoming about what you are thinking along the way. Because if not, people will sometimes make assumptions that aren’t true and they will act on those assumptions.

So consider saying something like: “I just need some time and room for myself right now to process this, but this doesn’t mean I’m not open to you or healing once I understand why this happened and can trust that it won’t happen again.” In this way, you’re not leaving him to assume that you’re rejecting him or won’t ever forgive him. You’re just requesting the space and time to help with your healing, which is certainly understandable.

As long as every one understands what the other wants and needs and works together to achieve this, progress can usually take place. The problem is that people will often stop talking because the conversation can be difficult and awkward so people just clam up. This is when the misunderstandings and assumptions can take hold, which will often make things worse.

Don’t Be Shy About Asking For What You Need. Don’t Get Caught Up Worrying About What You Should Be Doing Or How You Should Feel: In this situation, many people worry about what others think or allow themselves to get caught up in what they should do or feel. You’ll often hear comments like “I feel like I should be over his cheating by now.” Or “I feel like I’m not making enough progress and he’s getting frustrated with me.”

You can’t worry about the “shoulds.” There is no set time line and you shouldn’t have to feel pressured when you are dealing as best you can with something that is so difficult. If you yourself are frustrated with your own progress, ask yourself if there’s something that you need that you aren’t getting.

Perhaps you don’t believe that he’s truly sorry. Perhaps he hasn’t been honest with you or forthcoming about why this happened. Maybe, deep down, you blame yourself or don’t believe in you or your marriage’s ability to recover. Whatever is holding you back, it’s so important to identify it so you can address it properly. Anything can be overcome if you understand what that thing really is.