Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: People often ask me if it’s possible “to start over” after one of the spouses in a marriage has had an affair. Understandably, usually one or both of the spouses doubt that things will ever “be the same” or “right” again. They suspect that this betrayal has forever altered (or ruined) the potential of their marriage. Even if these assumptions bring about great sadness or loss, many people assume that there really is no way to make things right again. They assume that the cheating and the affair have introduced such a big obstacle and stressor into the marriage that these things can and will never be fully overcome.

I understand these assumptions because I made them myself. And I certainly can’t and won’t lie. Starting over after an affair is difficult and it takes a lot of hard work. But, it is not at all impossible. I have done it and I know countless people who have been successful at it also. In the following article, I will offer four ways that you and your spouse can begin to start over after an affair.

Make Sure That The Cheating Partner Adequately Expresses His Sorrow And Understanding Of What The Betrayed Spouse Is Going Through Few feelings are as devastating as knowing that your spouse has betrayed you in this way. It’s highly likely that you’re going to feel like the odd person out and that most everyone knew about this except for you. It’s so important that the spouse who cheated completely and truly understands what a huge mistake they have made. It’s perfectly natural for you to want them to “feel your pain.” And it’s equally important that they can do this.

For you to even begin to think about trusting them again, you have to know that they fully understand exactly how devastating their actions were. It’s very important that they continuously and clearly communicate this to you rather than assuming or hoping that you know how sorry they are for their cheating. If there was only one piece of advice that I could give a cheating spouse, it would be to directly and repeatedly approach their spouse to express their sorrow and remorse. I can not tell you how many times I hear people say “he’s not really sorry. He’s just sorry that he’s been caught.” Your spouse must come to believe that you are really and truly sorry – so sorry in fact, that you are not going to do this again.

Don’t Be Afraid To Delve Very Deeply Into Why The Affair Happened So That You Can Fix What Is Not Working: Many people want to “get over” the affair as quickly as possible. They don’t want to dwell on things for one second longer than they might have to. But, if you attempt to brush things off too quickly, you will likely always have flashbacks, fears, and struggles because you did not adequately identify and tackle the problems.

Issues that are not adequately fixed and put behind you have a way of rearing their ugly heads over and over again. This in turn is going to make you doubtful, resentful, and suspicious. It’s not until you understand why this happened and then adequately fix these things do you begin to be able to sincerely move on with a decent amount of confidence.

Support Each Other Individually, But Offer The Reassurance That Is Needed: Many spouses who cheat will begin to become frustrated when their spouse begins to focus on their appearance and self-esteem. Likewise, the spouse who was cheated on might balk at the cheating spouse wanting to try individual counseling. Both people need to understand that two stronger individuals who are happy and confident are going to make for a stronger marriage. Your spouse will most certainly need to restore their self-confidence and self-esteem after they have been betrayed in this way. Do not attempt to make them feel guilty for this. Their feeling good about themselves is only going to benefit you.

It’s also important that the cheating spouse does the self-work needed to work through the issues and doubts that lead to this sort of shortcomings and decision-making. Doing self-work is completely OK, but you also need to understand that your spouse is going to need reassurance that you’re doing this to help your marriage. You need to be patient when your spouse wants you to check in and wants to know where you have been. This sort of “checking up” needs to happen for as long as is necessary.

Work Together To Create A Marriage That Is Better Than The Marriage Before The Affair: In all honestly, the best way to “start over” after an affair, is to commit to creating a better, less vulnerable marriage. This is really the only way to bring something positive out of something so negative. And, once you are both happy, secure, and fulfilled again, then there is really no reason to continue to look back and to live in the past. Yes, it can be a lot of work to get to this new place. But, it can also be very much worth it in the end. I used to be very skeptical of people who said things like “The affair was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage,” but now I know that for people who can create a new and better marriage, this phrase can be true.