Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the most common — and most painful — struggles after infidelity is this: “I keep seeing it in my head. The images of them together. I try not to, but it just shows up, like a movie I didn’t ask to watch.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this exact sentiment. You may want to forgive. You may even still love your husband. Maybe you’ve decided to stay and rebuild. But none of that stops your mind from playing those gut-wrenching scenes on repeat.

And it feels unfair, doesn’t it? He made the mistake, and you are the one haunted by it — in the quiet moments, during intimacy, even sometimes when things seem “normal.”

So let’s talk honestly about how to handle this. Because trying to “just stop thinking about it” doesn’t work. I know that for a fact and from experience. But there are ways to soften the grip it has on your mind and heart.

You’re Not Broken for Replaying It. You Are Normal: You may have asked yourself: “Why am I obsessing like this? What’s wrong with me?” Nothing is wrong with you. You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. You’re not even ruminating. 
You’re dealing with trauma.

When betrayal happens, your brain does what it’s hardwired to do — it tries to understand, to protect, and to prepare. That’s why it keeps circling the same painful questions: Why did this happen? How could I not see it coming? What did she have that I don’t? And did she give him something that I didn’t?

You think if you can just answer all of them, you’ll feel better. But that never really works — because the pain isn’t about logic. It’s about heartbreak and trust. And that healing isn’t intellectual (because it would be easier if it was) it’s emotional.

Why the Images Feel So Invasive: Many women have a mental “movie” of their husband with the other woman, even if they never actually saw anything. It might come from a few details he told you. Or something you read. Or just your imagination filling in the blanks.

Unfortunately, once those images are in your head, your brain stores them in the same category as danger, so it keeps bringing them up as a way of saying: “Don’t forget this hurt. Don’t let this happen again.”

But you already know it hurt. You don’t need the reminders. You’re trying to move forward. So how do you quiet those images?

Practical Tools to Interrupt the Loop:

Don’t Fight the Thought — Reframe It: When the image pops up, instead of scolding yourself (“Ugh, stop thinking about that!”), try saying: “That’s a trauma response. I’m not crazy. I’m healing.” This takes the shame out of it. You’re not inviting the image. You’re surviving it. And every time you name it without judgment, it starts to lose its power.

Replace the Image with Something Positive:

The second you feel the image forming, redirect your attention with a physical or mental cue: A short grounding phrase, like “I’m safe now” or “That’s not my present.” Or try a visual — like picturing yourself on a peaceful beach or in a safe place. You can also try calming physical cue — tapping your fingers, deep breathing, or holding something comforting (like a warm cup or a textured object).

This isn’t about denial — it’s about training your brain that it doesn’t need to stay in fight-or-flight. It can let go.

Limit Over-Searching for Details: It’s incredibly tempting to keep asking more questions, or checking his phone, email, etc. You want to know everything. But too much detail can actually fuel the mental images, not soothe them.

If you truly need clarity, try asking just the questions that help you feel safer or more connected, not the ones that deepen the wound.

What to Do If the Images Come Up During Intimacy: This is deeply common and nothing to be ashamed of.

Many women tell me, “Every time we try to be close again, I see her. It ruins the moment.” If this is happening, don’t fake your way through. It’s okay to pause and say something like, “I’m trying, but I’m having a tough moment. Can we slow down or take a break?” When your husband supports you in this moment, it shows his commitment to you.

You can also communicate before intimacy. Let him know it might happen and that it’s not a reflection of him, but of your process. Focus on small steps — nonsexual touch, emotional closeness, and affectionate words to build safety again.

Healing your intimate connection takes time. Be gentle with yourself. There is no “normal” pace.

Healing Is Not Forgetting, It’s Redefining:  You may never fully forget what happened. But the goal isn’t to erase it.
It’s to get to a place where the thought no longer hijacks your peace. One day — and I’ve seen this happen for many women — that image will pop up… and it won’t sting in the same way. It won’t undo your day. It’ll just be something that happened, not something that defines you.

Thankfully, I no longer see these images anymore. But I used to see them all the time. And they hurt. Once I did the work to heal, truly heal, they stopped. You can read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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