Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Common sense tells you that you may have a hard time trusting in your husband after you catch him cheating or having an affair. After all, his behavior has proven that, in the right circumstances, he will lie to and betray you. But you may not have anticipated just how bad this lack of trust can get. Many wives admit that they quickly become paranoid.

A wife may have a situation like this one: “I am still trying to recover from the shock of my husband cheating on me. I never would have expected this. I know from going through all of their correspondence that the other woman pursued him. And, although he is doing what I’ve asked and we are trying to heal, I am now always paranoid that another woman will pursue him, and then we will have to repeat this pattern once again. I can not go through this again. So now I have become suspicious of every woman who glances his way. Ironically, I used to take a certain amount of pride in the fact that women were drawn to my husband. He’s extremely charming. That is one of the things I love most about him. But now I wish that he wasn’t so charming. Every time he so much as glances at another woman or vice versa, I picture her contacting him, and then me having to find out about another affair, even though this is the first time I’ve caught him cheating. I assume the worst-case scenario, which I know is silly. But I can’t help it. And then I tend to get mad at my husband. I resent always having to feel so suspicious. And I don’t want to go through life always feeling like I can’t relax. Does this paranoia ever go away? It’s not like my husband is doing anything wrong. But it always feels as if we are one step away from another tragedy.”

These Are Normal But Tiresome Feelings: What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Unfortunately, many of us wives who have gone through infidelity see danger around every corner. This can be true even when our husband is complying with a rehabilitation plan.

That said, although the paranoia is normal, it feels awful. And it probably feels equally offensive to both you and your husband. Sometimes, it can be hard for husbands to understand that wives most definitely don’t want to feel this way, but they can’t help it. Below, I will offer some considerations that I hope will help.

Ask Yourself What Would Help You To Feel More Secure: The most obvious place to begin to address this is by honestly asking yourself what, realistically, would make you feel better. You can’t necessarily keep women from looking at your husband, but he should take care to make you feel more secure in his response.

To that end, take an honest look at how he might do this. Has he given you access to his phone and computer? Is he transparent about where he is and what he is doing? Has he been honest with you about how and why the affair happened? Has he been open about what is truly needed for complete rehabilitation and trust rebuilding?

If not, now is the time to speak up so that you can avoid preventable pain and doubt. A man who is sincere about taking responsibility for his actions and for making things right should be willing to comply with this.

Understand Why It’s Important To Be Observant But Not Overly Paranoid: No one can blame you for watching your husband very closely. However, there is a huge difference between being observant and clinging so tightly that your suspicions become a reality simply because you never allowed your marriage the space to heal.

As unfortunate as it is, many husbands in this situation can begin to feel as if they will never be able to do anything right in your eyes – no matter how hard they try. Needless to say, this can hurt your ability to rebuild your marriage. While you are feeling fearful and suspicious, he is feeling resentful and distrusted. This puts you on opposite sides, which doesn’t help your marriage any.

I am not saying that you should deny your feelings or pretend that everything is fine when it is not. I’m merely suggesting that you not always act on your worst instinct, which leads me to my next point.

Try To Find A Comfortable Point Of Compromise So That Your Marriage Has The Room To Recover: When I was in this situation, I eventually realized that, at some point, I was going to have to take a leap of faith. I’d made a commitment to try to make my marriage work because I wanted to save my family. I knew that we could not be successful if I was always lashing out and expecting my husband to cheat again, even though he was doing every single thing that I asked.

So I promised myself that I would not lash out at him or make unfounded accusations if he was not giving me a reason to do so. He had given me unlimited access to his communications. I knew where he was virtually at all times. (In fact, except for working hours, we were together.) I knew that my over-the-top suspicions were more a reflection of my pain and shock than his actions. But, that didn’t mean that I could help it.

Still, I made a deal with myself that I would take my husband at face value until he gave me a reason not to do so. Did that mean I stopped watching him closely? Of course not. But it did mean that I was no longer making accusations or assumptions that only frustrated us both.

Give It Effort And Time: Honestly, this entire process from discovery to recovery just takes some time. For the most part, unless I’m having a very bad day, I don’t have these types of suspicions anymore. Enough time has passed that I know that we’ve come out stronger and I know that our marriage is solid.

But there was no way to fast forward to this point. It took hard work, and it took time.

You can help yourself by asking your husband for exactly what you need to feel secure. And then, as long as he is doing what is asked, give him a little room before you make accusations. Then, do the work and give it some time. Once you do, you will hopefully look back on this and see it as one challenge that you were able to overcome. If it helps, you can read about our sometimes rocky road on the path to recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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