Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I think most people understand why a faithful wife would be angry at the woman who is cheating with her husband. I also think that most people would agree that a wife in this situation has every right to lash out. And many wives do just that. In a moment when their emotions get the better of them, they may say things that are unkind, but completely understandable. And, honestly, at times, this can make them feel a little better. Unless their husband admonishes them and defends the other woman. 

A wife might say, “My husband has been cheating on me with a women who I cannot stand to look at. She looks like a tramp. She posts pictures on social media that are just shy of lingerie shots. She makes sure she shows tons of cleavage and leaves nothing to the imagination. If my husband is to be believed, she came onto and pursued him. I can somewhat believe this because I think she wants his money. My husband is reasonably well off, and she is not. I love my husband, and I’m not trying to put him down. But she’s out of his league – except for the money. “

“The other day, I was pretty angry about this whole thing and I called the other woman a nasty name. I won’t repeat it. But it starts with a wh. My husband acted as if I uttered something sinful. He literally gasped, and he told me that he never wanted to hear that word come out of my mouth again. He then scolded me and said that this woman is a single mother who struggles to make ends meet to care for her children. He insisted that she has a mother with dementia who lives with her because she’d never put her mother in a home. He claimed that this tramp goes to church every Sunday like she’s a saint or something. So suddenly, it was like I was the bad woman in this scenario. I honestly had no idea how I was supposed to respond, so I said nothing. And I haven’t said anything since. I haven’t talked to him since. He’s followed me around and asked if I’m going to punish him for just speaking the truth. I don’t know. But this hurt me deeply. He took her side over mine. And a wh is someone who has sex for money. That’s exactly what she did. How can he look at her and not see someone with questionable morals? What does this mean for us? Is he going to prioritize her forever? He says that it’s over, but he also says that he won’t turn on her and say untrue things just to make me happy.”

None of this means that you can’t recover or that your husband will necessarily choose sides in the long run. Rather, many men have a need to defend nearly everything at all costs after they’re caught having an affair. I’ll explain. 

He Doesn’t Want to Admit that He was Duped by a Certain Kind of Woman:  No one wants to believe that they were naive because they were needy and insecure and, as a result, the wool was pulled over their eyes. How embarrassing to know that because you wanted to feel desired, you were willing to overlook common sense. How mortifying to think that people have judgments about the type of person who was able to con you. How terrifying to think that someone just had sex with you for monetary reasons.

You can see how someone would want to play mental gymnastics to keep from facing this reality. He would rather believe that he cheated with a hard-working single mother who takes care of her demented mother than who he actually cheated with.

To be fair, you can’t really know this woman. You’re on the outside looking in. But you can bet that your husband is going to paint her in the most flattering light possible – especially in the beginning – because that makes him look less silly and less taken advantage of.

Do You Just Let Him Have His Delusions?: I understand why you haven’t responded. It’s hard to talk about this rationally when you suspect he’s going to keep defending her, which is going to just make you angrier and angrier. And why give yourself just one more reason to tear each other apart about right now?

Sometimes, you can just give this time. As things cool down, and he gets some distance, he will come to see the true reality of this situation. He may not come out and tell you that he was wrong, but he will see it, and he may be ashamed. Once that happens, he won’t feel it’s necessary to defend her anymore.

But since he’s digging in right now, I don’t see any reason to debate it continuously with no real solution. You’re obviously going to have very different opinions about who this person is and what she stands for. At least until he’s had more time and perspective. 

You don’t need to pretend to agree with him. He would never believe that anyway. And honestly, any reasonably intelligent person would realize that someone in your shoes is going to have choice words for the other woman. In his heart, he must somewhat understand your anger.

Sometimes, it helps to ask him how he’d characterize a man with whom you were cheating. Would he be willing to believe that this man is filled with integrity, hard-working, and genuine? Even if he were going behind your husband’s back to having a relationship with your husband’s wife? If your husband can think about this way, he may see reason.

We’re all going to villainize the people who hurt us. This is no different. And your husband’s defending her is never going to make you say, “Oh yes, I see now. You’re absolutely right. I apologize for my bitter words.” 

He’ll probably figure that out on his own. I did tend to villainize the woman in my husband’s affair, especially at first. But one day, I decided that the real enemy was the anger, pain, and resentment that I continued to carry around with me like a heavy weight. I got so tired of carrying it. So I decided to prioritize healing rather than blame. It took me a while to get to that place, but when I did, it worked for me.  You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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