Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I think most people would agree that faithful spouses have every right to be furious with cheating spouses who have affairs. No matter what was going on in your life and your marriage, there’s arguably no excuse for betraying your spouse in such a way, ignoring your wedding vows, and hurting/lying to others. 

So the anger is completely understandable. But many wives find themselves going beyond the anger. They find themselves wondering just who they married and if they were wrong about what type of person their spouse is.

A wife might say, “I always thought my husband was a good person. He gives of himself and to the community. He’s always willing to give money and time to people who need it – including some in my own family. He’s always been what I thought was honest and forthcoming. He’s also very gentle. But I’ve found out that he cheated on me – and in completely malicious ways. He went and saw the other woman while he told me he was seeing his mother in the hospital. He told his mother I was ill. He took money from our accounts to give to the other woman. He told me he was volunteering during some of the times that he saw her. It’s like he used his previous goodwill to deceive me even more. He was just very sneaky, and he did this to cheat on me. To hurt me. To deceive me. To see and be with this disgusting woman we wouldn’t normally cross the street to speak with. I am starting to think that my husband was a bad person in disguise all along. And I can’t let that thought go. I just can’t. How do I get over this?”

I had similar thoughts after my own husband’s affair. And I can share what worked for me, but keep in mind that everyone is different. 

Give it Time:  I know that you’ve heard this before and may be rolling your eyes, but I promise you that the way you feel today is going to feel quite different six months from now – no matter what happens with your husband or with your marriage. The anger and shock that you are feeling now will fade somewhat. And it will fade even more if you prioritize healing.

Know That He’s Going to Show You What He’s Made of in the Days to Come: I’m going to be brutally honest. Life isn’t easy for cheating husbands trying to convince their wives to save their marriage. They know you’re furious with them. They know that you are looking for a reason to just walk away. They know that they are going to have to live with your anger and lack of trust for quite some time and possibility indefinitely if you do not heal.

So he’s going to have to stand up and make this right time and time again. And he won’t do that if he’s not genuine and honest about wanting to make this right. In other words, if he’s a bad person, you’ll likely see that during recovery. If he’s genuine, upstanding, and serious about regaining your trust, you may see that too. 

So you will be in a better position to see what type of person he is in the days to come. 

Put it in Perspective:  After you’ve given things some time to settle down, you want to try to see your husband objectively. When I decided I was going to give my husband a chance, I gave him no guarantees. But I did try to open my mind just a little. And I asked myself to try to look at his role as a husband in its totality. Because as angry as I was at my husband, I could not deny that he’d been a good one. He’d been solid, loving, supportive, and steady. Until that time, I could always count on him and he’d seen me through some very difficult times when others may have walked away. 

So while I absolutely took points away because of the affair, I had to also add points for all he’d done throughout our marriage. One bad item could not undo a lifetime of good ones.

Know That You Don’t Need to Decide Right Now: I know that your husband may want an answer from you right now, but you don’t have any timeline within which you must make up your mind. You can watch and wait. And if you try to give your husband a chance and he doesn’t come through, then you can always decide to try another way or tell your husband that you’ve changed your mind. 

Take your time in evaluating what kind of person you think he is. He is going to have ample opportunity to show you in the days ahead. You may see what each of you is made of, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing when you’re trying to decide what you want to do moving forward. 

As I alluded to, I changed my mind about who my husband actually was several times. Most of the time, I was clouded by anger. Ultimately, I decided that one bad decision could not negate the type of husband he’d been for years. And I’ve never regretted that. But I did have to work very hard to heal. You can read the rest of the story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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