Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who truly do want to save their marriage after they made the mistake of cheating or having an affair, but they aren’t sure if this is going to be possible because of a change that has taken place within them.

I heard from a wife who said: “I know that infidelity is wrong. And if you would have told me two years ago that I would have had an affair, I would have called you a liar. I reconnected with an old boyfriend at a high school reunion. It’s an old cliche but that is what happened. When I was with the other man, I also reconnected with a lot of friends from high school. I started to go out just to relax and have a good time, which is something that I hadn’t done in years. I’m primarily a wife and mother and I have to admit that I live for my family. I consider my most important job making sure that my children grow up to be good and productive people. So, I give everything that I have to every one else and there’s very little left over for myself. I guess that’s why the affair and the other man appealed to me so much. When I was with him, I felt free. I felt like a different person. And I very much liked who I became when I was with him. Of course, my husband found out about the affair and he told me if I didn’t break it off immediately, he would fight me for custody of my children. I didn’t need for him to threaten me, I would have broken it off on my own. I never wanted to break up my family, mostly for the sake of my children. My husband and I are trying very hard to make it work. I don’t know if I would handle it as well as he has if the roles had been reversed. He’s angry, but to his credit, he puts that aside to try to work things out. The problem is that the affair changed me somehow. I feel restless and bored. I feel like I have to go back to being the same boring person now. I feel like I have to put everyone else’s life ahead of my own and that I’ll never be that happy go lucky person I had come to really love. Can my marriage make it if the affair has changed me?”

This is a very common concern. I often hear from people who say that the affair showed them what was missing in their life. They will often say that the affair made them feel more “alive” and that they don’t want to give up this sense of excitement even though many want to save their marriage.

As the spouse who was on the other side of the affair, I haven’t experienced this first hand but I do understand it. And, I think that you don’t have to give up the new aspects of your personality just to save your marriage. In fact, if you attempt to, your marriage might fail because you will feel that you are giving something up for your spouse and you should not feel that way. Instead, you need to look at it as if you are gaining something.

Your Spouse May Be Receptive To Changing Your Life So That You’re Both More Content: Whether you realize it or not, your spouse likely wants for the both of you to be happy. Your spouse likely realizes that if you’re not happy or if you’re feeling restless, then you are more likely to cheat again, and no one wants this.

The real secret to all of this is to involve your spouse in your new quest for excitement. Nothing says that you can’t involve your spouse in this new aspect of your life. Perhaps your spouse also feels a lack of excitement in his own life. He may welcome any suggestion that you may have.

How To Make The Request For Change Without Any Hurt Feelings: Many spouses tell me that they are afraid of hurting their spouses feelings or of sounding dissatisfied or critical if they voice their concerns. I can tell you that I would rather my husband be honest with me than to continue to feel unhappy and to risk repeat cheating.

I believe that there’s a way to approach this without sounding critical. A suggested script might be something like: “I’m happy that we seem to be making progress in our marriage. I am committed to making sure our marriage is as strong as it can be and that we are both happy and secure. How would you feel about scheduling some time away from the kids? I think it’s important that we have fun together alone. I’d like to go out with friends sometimes or just relax other times without our lives revolving around being parents. You know that I love our children more than anything and that being a parent is my highest priority. But I want our marriage and being a whole individual to be a priority also. We need to charge our batteries. And we need to have fun alone. I want to live with a sense of excitement and anticipation. How do you feel about this? And can you share with me what might make you more happy?”

In this way, you are inviting your spouse to negotiate. You’re offering to do whatever it takes to make them happy and you’re hoping that they will reciprocate. Notice that nothing in this script sounded accusatory and I never focused on the fact that the wife had changed. I merely stressed the fact that she wanted fun in her life and she wanted that fun to be with her husband. In this way, it’s a winning situation for both parties.

I would like to think that I would have reacted favorably if my husband had come to me with this request.  Part of successfully rehabilitating your marriage after infidelity is making sure that every one is happy and that no one is secretly restless or resentful.  This is sometimes easier said than done, but it’s very important.  If it helps, you read about our recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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