Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I know a wife who had cheated on her husband for about 4 months with a coworker. The husband actually caught her cheating by looking at her cell phone. When he confronted the wife, she admitted to the cheating and she immediately realized that her actions could very well cost her the marriage.

Her husband was furious, devastated, and unsure if he even wanted to stay married after such a betrayal. At this point, he hadn’t moved out or filed for divorce, but she felt certain that he might. She said in part: “Yes, I cheated on him and I’m more sorry about this than I can possibly express. I don’t want to leave our marriage. I want to work things out with him. But I don’t know if he will ever give me that chance. What can I do to show him I’m sincere and would do anything to regain his trust?” I will share some tips in the following article.

Put All Of The Blame For The Cheating On Your Own Shoulders: Be willing to take full responsibility for your own choices. Even if your spouse didn’t appreciate you or didn’t give you every single thing that you needed, now would not be the time to tell them this. They don’t want to hear this because it sounds like an excuse.

Instead, they want to know that you fully realize just how wrong you were and are willing to take the responsibility for making it right. I know that it’s very tempting to draw your spouse’s attention to their own shortcomings, but doing this will only make them more angry. 

Very few people will respond to these sorts of excuses (even when they are true) by saying “You know, you’re right. I wasn’t appreciating you enough. It’s understandable that you would cheat, considering the circumstances.”

 I’ve never heard anyone give this response. Instead, the spouse who was cheated on will become defensive and harbor even more resentment and anger that is difficult to overcome.

Do Not Push Or Rush Your Spouse. Allow Them To Set The Tone And The Pace: I know that you likely want to be in your spouse’s good graces as soon as possible. So it’s tempting to push for that forgiveness or that validation. You might even let words slip out like: “How long do you intend to be angry and hold this against me?”

Resist this at all costs. Your job right now is to be patient and loving. Your job is to show your spouse you are willing to listen to what they need and provide that. And what they need is not your constantly pressuring them to push down what they are really feeling for your benefit rather than theirs. They need your patience and your support – not your pressure.

Make Sure Your Spouse Knows (Without Any Doubt) That The Cheating Is Over And WILL NOT Happen Again: I can tell you as a wife that was cheated on that one of the top things your spouse will be worried about is having to go through this again the second they decide to trust you.

Nothing is worse than living in fear that you’ll have to deal with this in the future if you make the mistake of trusting again right now. So, it’s your job to be transparent and reassuring. Make sure that the other person is TOTALLY out of the picture before you start the rehabilitation process.

Always check in, offer up your cell phone, talk to others where your spouse can hear you, harbor no secrets, and show rather than tell your spouse that they can trust you. 

Do not hide anything from them and be where you’ve said you will be. Call to check in. Come home right after work. Ask your spouse to go with you when you’re going somewhere. All of these things are the beginning of re-establishing trust and showing how serious you are about working things out.

You May Not Be Able To Work Things Out With Your Spouse Through Good Intentions Alone. Have A Plan Of Action: Here’s where I see many spouses drop the ball. They will be full of apologies and promises, but when their spouse is sitting there waiting to hear their plan, they’re silent. They sort of wait for their spouse to take the lead – which can cause a lot of frustration and resentment.

It is up to you to take the lead here. Your spouse is going to want to know what YOU plan to do to restore the trust and closeness. They are going to want to know what YOU plan to do to rebuild the marriage and the intimacy. You can not expect these things to just magically happen. You need some sort of plan. And you can’t expect your spouse to make this plan for you.

You can’t just sort of feel your way and stumble around when your spouse is waiting for you to show some initiative. If your spouse feels like counseling is a good idea, then you need to make that happen and go with all of the enthusiasm you can muster. 

If you both don’t want to try counseling, at least find some resources to educate yourself about marital recovery after cheating.

Commit To Being In This For The Long Haul. Offer Your Support Even When It’s Frustrating: One important thing I really want to stress is that you will need to be patient here. Your actions likely devastated your spouse. It may well take a while before they are receptive to you again or fully invested in the marriage.  

I know that you want to feel better and I know that you want some hope that you can work things out, but sometimes pushing them for reassurance feels to them like you are losing patience and this is the last thing that you want. Instead, you want to stress to them that you are willing to stand behind and support them for as long as it takes because working things out with them is your number one priority.

This means even when they lash out or aren’t receptive you tell them that you’ll be there should they want to talk but that you’re also willing to give them their space if that’s what they need or want. In short, you’re willing to do whatever it is that they need without judgment.

One of the reasons that I am still married to my husband today (after his cheating and affair) is because he eventually (with a little prompting from me) gave me what I needed to heal and move on.  And he gave me his patience and understanding without rushing me. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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