Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s one of the most painful, lingering wounds after infidelity — the feeling that you just weren’t “enough.”

Maybe you’ve seen her. Maybe you haven’t. But you imagine her anyway. Prettier. Thinner. Younger. More exciting. More confident. More Adventurous. Less stressed. Less you.

And even if your husband says the affair had nothing to do with you, even if he swears she meant nothing, it still cuts. Because now you’re left wondering:

“Why her and not me? What did she have that I didn’t? And how am I supposed to feel good about myself when I was the one left behind — while she got his attention, his passion, his energy, his time?”

If this sounds familiar, please know this: you’re not alone, and you are completely normal. Almost every woman I’ve talked to who’s experienced infidelity has said some version of the same thing:

“I feel like I don’t measure up anymore.”

Believe me, I felt it too.  But I overcame it, and you can too. Let’s talk about why that happens — and how to slowly, gently start to reclaim your sense of worth.

Affairs Aren’t About Anything Special That She Possessed. They’re About Escape: I know it’s tempting to assume that the other woman was “better” — in looks, personality, bedroom skills, or maybe even how she made your husband feel. But here’s what I’ve learned, again and again, from working with women in this position:

Affairs aren’t usually about someone being better. They’re about someone being easier.

Easier to impress. Easier to connect with when there’s no history, no responsibilities, no bills, no kids, no tension. Affairs live in a fantasy bubble. They are often about avoidance, ego, or distraction, not about deep compatibility. Not about the work it takes to have a real relationship.

So if you’re imagining that she’s better than you, or that you’ve somehow been “replaced,” you’re giving the affair far too much credit. You’re giving her more credit than she will ever deserve.

Your husband didn’t cheat because you weren’t enough. He cheated because he thought HE wasn’t enough.

You Can’t Compete With an Illusion — And You Shouldn’t Try: The version of the other woman you’ve built in your head is probably perfect. Untouchable. Everything you’re not.

But that version? It’s just a projection. It’s just a fantasy. It’s only your imagination or your worst-case scenario personified.

Even if she were younger. Even if she wore the kind of clothes you don’t. Even if she said all the right things when he was vulnerable. You are only seeing the highlight reel — and comparing it to your behind-the-scenes – before you’ve hit the make up chair.

What she offered him was the thrill of being someone else. What you offered him was real life, real commitment, real love, real history. And the truth is, most affairs fall apart when they’re forced into reality. An affair can’t live in fantasy forever. Which is why most are doomed to fail.

You were never meant to compete with someone who only saw one carefully controlled side of him, and who only showed one carefully controlled side of herself. Let’s face it. They didn’t really, deeply know one another. And this will come to roost eventually.

Rebuilding Your Confidence Won’t Happen Overnight. But It Can Happen, And You Should Accept Nothing Less.  You don’t have to wake up tomorrow feeling beautiful, confident, and sure of your worth. Most women don’t — not right away. But you can start with small shifts: You can speak to and view yourself kindly, like you would a friend, reminding yourself that his behavior says nothing about you and your attributes, doing one kind thing for yourself each day that brings you back to yourself, makes you feel better, or improves you in some way.

And if your husband is trying to earn back your trust, he needs to understand that part of that process is helping you feel safe and valued again, not just asking you to “move on” or “stop bringing her up.”

He may not get it at first. He may not realize how deeply the comparison wound runs. But if he’s truly sorry — if he truly wants to repair the damage — he’ll listen. He’ll validate your pain. And he’ll be patient as you slowly rebuild the parts of yourself that his betrayal shook. And he’ll tell you how beautiful and desirable you are. And he will mean it.

You Don’t Have to Be the Most Beautiful Woman in the Room to Be Irreplaceable: You might not be able to compete with the other woman in the way your mind tells you. But guess what? You don’t need to when the fantasy world ends. You are the woman who stood by him when things were hard. You are the woman who knew his history, his weaknesses, his fears — and loved him anyway. You are the woman who built a life with him — not a fantasy, but something real. That kind of woman is rare. That kind of woman is irreplaceable.

And no affair — no matter how seductive or exciting it might have seemed in the moment — can erase that.

You Are Not Less Because of What He Did. But You Might Be The One To Build Yourself Up, At Least At First: Maybe right now you feel shattered. Maybe you don’t recognize yourself when you look in the mirror. Maybe you flinch when you hear another woman laugh or walk past an image that reminds you of her. But I want you to hear this: his affair did not make you less.

You are still worthy. Still enough. Still lovable. Your worth didn’t walk out the door when he did. And slowly, painfully, but surely — you can come back to yourself. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to restore your confidence and to make you feel good, powerful, unstoppable. Yes, that takes some work. But boy, does it pay dividends. I know because I did it. And I don’t think I would have stayed in my marriage if I hadn’t. You can read my story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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