Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who don’t feel loved by their spouse regardless of the circumstances. And the reason for this is that they can’t get past their spouse’s affair. They can’t understand how their spouse can still love them and then betray them in this way. And, they just don’t feel any love, any connection, or even any real concern or emotion from their spouse.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “my husband was very distant when I first found out about his affair and confronted him. But once a couple of days passed, he apologized and asked me not to leave him. I said that I wasn’t going to make any rash decisions, but that I couldn’t make any promises either. I can tell that my husband has been trying to be sensitive and kind and I can tell that the effort is there. But my husband isn’t very good at faking his emotions. And when he looks at me, I’m not seeing love. He doesn’t look at me as if he is in love with me. The other day, I came home from work sick, and he seemed more annoyed by the fact that I was home rather than being concerned about my being sick. He never laughs at what I have to say anymore. I don’t feel that he truly listens to me. He says that he wants to continue to be married to me. But, I’m not sure why. Because I don’t think he loves me anymore. And if this is true, then I don’t know why he’d want to stay with me, other than financial reasons. And I’m not sure that I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me.”

I know how this feels. I know that you have doubts and that you are watching every single thing that your husband does so very closely. I understand that you probably feel a little insecure about his feelings toward you. But, I’d like to caution you about just assuming that he doesn’t love you. Because in the time period immediately after the affair, emotions are still very high, the wounds are still fresh, he’s likely still very embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior, and therefore he may be a little distant because he’s trying to save himself from your rejection. It also may be painful for him to see you so hurt, so you won’t see him taking long hard looks at you because it is easier to just look away.

It’s easy to assume that he doesn’t love you when this happens, but sometimes, he is trying to shield himself from your pain or from your rejection. That’s not to say that there aren’t some men who aren’t sure of their feelings after an affair. But, I don’t think that many people would want to stay with someone who they know that they don’t love. What would be the point of that?

Wives will often tell me that he’s only staying for the kids or because of money. But, even if this is so, how long can this last? No one is going to want to commit to a life time of being with someone who they don’t love. This would give you absolutely nothing to look forward to and would sentence you to a life that is less happy than you would want. The point is, if he truly doesn’t love you, then this should be evident in time.

I think it’s more likely that if he says that he still loves you, then he is telling you the truth but he is having trouble navigating how to act and what to do because of his affair. He’s usually reluctant to show you much emotion because he’s afraid that you will rebuke him. Many men comment on my blog and tell me that their wife will tell him that he’s not loving enough, but then when he tries to be, the wife will make cutting comments like: “I’ll bet you kissed the other woman more passionately than that.” Or “you didn’t love me all that much when you were sleeping with someone else.”

Because men aren’t sure how to handle these type of comments and they are afraid that you will push them away if they try to show you affection, many will sort of shut down and wait for you to give them some guidance. Or, they will distance themselves without even realizing that this is what they are doing. And this isn’t because they don’t love you. It is because they are mad at themselves and they just aren’t sure of the appropriate way to act.

My suggestion is to give it a little time. As things calm down and you are able to become more comfortable around one another with time, his true feelings should come through. Also, with time, you should see more authenticity simply because people can’t pretend forever. And, why would they want to?

I have to say that an outsider looking at my marriage after my affair would have wondered if my marriage was over.  Because there wasn’t much emotion or love being demonstrated by either of us.  But as time passed and healing began, you started to see glimpses of loving behavior which only strengthened as more time passed.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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