Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I once heard from a wife whose husband had admitted to cheating. But, he was unwilling to give her many details about the same. Basically, all he would say was that he had been unfaithful with a coworker but that it was a “one-time thing that would never happen again.” The husband insisted he knew what he did was completely wrong. He claimed he really didn’t know why he did this, but assured the wife that she never had to worry about it again because he wouldn’t repeat it.

Needless to say, the wife wanted and needed more details than this. She wanted to know who the other person was. She wanted to know how long the cheating went on. And, she wanted to know if there were any serious feelings involved and whether her husband still thought about the other woman.

The husband absolutely refused to give the wife any additional information. Every time she asked open-ended questions, he became angry and defensive and would give her answers like “I have told you that I’ve cheated. Isn’t that bad enough? What more do you need to know than that?”

This situation is not at all uncommon. Many wives tell me that they know full well they aren’t getting the whole story about the cheating. Sometimes, they are afraid the other woman is someone they know very well. Other times, they fear the cheating is still going on. And sometimes, they really feel entitled to all the details they want or need to know. In the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions as to how to handle this situation.

Possible Reasons That A Man Doesn’t Want To Tell You The Whole Story About His Infidelity: There are many reasons a man might not want to come fully clean about the affair or the cheating. The reasons vary as much as the man himself. Some men know that the more you know, the more you are going to be hurt or the more angry you will be. Some are ashamed or embarrassed about their actions. Sometimes, you do know the other person and they fear that you will attempt to contact or confront this person or tell this person’s spouse. And it is possible that the cheating is still going on, although it can be a mistake to just assume this.

Some men just don’t understand why you would want or need to know something that is only destructive to you or your marriage. I often hear comments like “I just don’t get why my wife wants to know every detail about the cheating. No good can come of constantly rehashing this and reopening the wounds. I really think it’s best for us to move on but she always seems to want to stay in the present or go backward.” I’m not saying this perception is correct, I’m just telling you that this is sometimes how husbands see it.

How To Make Your Husband Understand That You Need More Information About The Scope Of His Cheating: I suspect that if you ask a husband why wives want information about their cheating, the men will often tell you that wives use this information to punish them or to justify their anger. But if you asked the women or the wives about why they wanted this information, they would tell you that they felt as though they needed to know what they were up against.

They feel that they need a clear picture of exactly what happened, what the husband was thinking at the time, the feelings involved, whether he’s still in danger of cheating again, and how he feels about the marriage right now. The wife often feels very strongly about her need for the whole story. Without it, she can’t get a clear picture of where her marriage stands and how she really feels about her husband. We often feel very resentful and suspicious when we are asked to fill in the blanks on our own. This just isn’t fair. And if our husbands want us to recover and heal from this, they need to give us the tools to do so. One of those tools is honesty.

Sometimes, you have to be very frank about this until it finally sinks in with your husband. The next time this conversation comes up, you might want to say something like: “I am not asking you these questions to punish you or to make myself angry. I am asking you this because I need to have a clear picture of what I am dealing with. I need to understand what happened and what the situation is now. I need this information to really evaluate where we are today. If you are unwilling to give it to me, I have no choice but to take this to mean you’re unwilling to help me heal and I will be tempted to try to find out on my own, which I believe is more detrimental to me than getting information from my own husband.”

Sometimes words such as this will begin to lower his defenses. Sometimes you will have to repeat yourself until he figures out that you are serious and aren’t going to drop it. With that said, sometimes it does hurt you and keep you stuck if you’re demanding each and every detail. It may not help you to know everywhere they went and everything they did. But you do deserve to know enough to get a very clear picture of what actually happened and with whom.

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