Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who believe that their husband is in love with the other woman with whom he had an affair.  So, the wife thinks that the husband would be happy if he could be with the other woman full time. The wife often believes that if she were to let her husband go or leave him, then this would free him to be with who he believes is his soul mate – the other woman. But very few women would willingly do this, especially those who still love their husbands or are still even remotely invested in their marriages. And so, they stay with their husband and in their marriages. And they remain unhappy. But they console themselves with the fact that their staying means that they husband can’t live happily ever after with the other woman.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband cheated on me with his old fiancé. When I first caught him, he promised to leave her alone. But over time, I caught him with her over and over again. Finally, he said that he just couldn’t pretend anymore. He said that he had always been in love with her and that they were meant to be together. He said that he didn’t want to hurt me and that he wasn’t going to divorce me until I was ready. He said that he wasn’t going to throw me out in the street. He even said that he still felt love for me but that right now, his heart was with her. So I know that he is continuing to see her. And he seems to think that he is very happy. I know that if I moved out or left, he would immediately go and be with her and they would both think that their dreams are finally coming true. But I can’t bring myself to do this. I don’t hate my husband. In general, I wish him the best – as long as it is not with her. I can’t bring myself to allow him to leave me or to leave him when I know that the only thing that is going to happen is that he’s finally going to be allowed to be happy with her. My friend tells me that this is crazy. She said she doesn’t understand why I insist on making us both miserable if I know that he loves someone else. I don’t know how to make her understand. But it’s like I can’t throw in the towel. I can’t just hand him over to her. This is my home. And I don’t feel like I need to just step aside. Am I crazy?”

Goodness, no. I don’t think you’re crazy. This situation is a difficult one. And as a wife who has been cheated on, I completely understand not wanting to give up the life that you have worked so hard to build to a woman who most certainly doesn’t deserve it and did nothing to earn it. I don’t think that many wives would disagree with me. Sure, he may be telling you that he loves her and that she completes him. But how does this change what you feel and what you want? It doesn’t. It has everything to do with his reality. But nothing to do with yours.

It’s Not Impossible That Things Are Going To Eventually Change: I’m going to take this even a step further and tell you that it’s not at all uncommon for a husband to think that he has his soul mate only to see reality a little later. It would not shock me for the relationship to be over within six months and for the husband to wonder how he could have been so stupid. This happens all of the time. The same woman who he couldn’t live without now holds very little appeal to him because he can finally see her for who she is. And he can finally see the relationship for what it was.

Many people who try to give wives in this situation advice don’t consider this. But it’s completely possible that he is suddenly going to want his wife back months from now. That’s not to say that she will decide to take him back. She may not. But this scenario is not impossible.

Your Happiness Matters Too: I think that the more important question here is why she found it acceptable for her to be unhappy. Because when your goal is to stay put and make your husband unhappy (or to thwart him from getting what he thinks he wants) it’s highly likely that you’re not happy either. Your placing a higher priority on controlling him than on your own happiness. I’m not going to tell you to let him go. I’m not going to tell you to give up on your marriage. But I am going to suggest that you stop and think about whether this situation is hurting you as much as you are attempting to hurt him.

I’m not in any way suggesting that you leave your home. I’m just suggesting that you evaluate the situation based on what you want and need rather than on trying to keep him from getting what he wants.  I didn’t leave my husband either.  But my goal wasn’t to stall him.  It was to elevate myself.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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