I Feel As If He Needs Me Now More Than Ever After He Cheated And Had An Affair. Is This Crazy?
By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are dealing with infidelity are very conflicted. On the one hand, they are furious that their husbands have admitted to cheating and having an affair. But on the other hand, they feel that his cheating was motivated by his present struggles. And this can bring out protective feelings or an urge to want to help him, which many people admittedly find a bit odd.
There might be this type of situation: “I know that this is crazy, but I actually want to help my husband right now because I know that he is absolutely lost. For the last couple of years, he has watched his mother waste away from cancer. He has watched his father grieve. And a couple of months ago, he had his own health scare and faced a very serious diagnosis himself. I have felt for him and I have tried to help him but he was very distant. Last week, he came home, collapsed and started sobbing and telling me that he had cheated on me with a coworker. He said the relationship lasted for three weeks. This seems like an affair to me, but he denies it. He tells me about twenty times per day how sorry he is and asks if I can ever forgive him. He says he’s just not himself and just not functioning correctly with all that he has been going through. I want to help him. My heart goes out to him. Don’t get me wrong, I am so angry with him, but I also know that he needs me now more than ever and I’m not ready to turn my back on him. Am I crazy? Because my friends all say that I am.”
My heart really went out to this couple and I have a definite opinion on this, which I will now discuss.
Why I Don’t Think It’s Crazy To Acknowledge That Your Husband Needs You After His Struggles Lead To Cheating: I am pretty open about the fact that I believe that cheating and affairs often come when men are struggling in some way. Often, they are trying to push down these struggles and the affair is their ill-advised way of dealing with them. I often get criticized for that because people think that I am making excuses for the cheating. I’m not. I’m not saying that a man’s struggles make it OK for him to cheat. They don’t. But I do believe that it is notable that these struggles are often a major part of their life at that time. And I know that this knowledge can often help to answer the faithful’s spouse’s need to know why this happened.
Some wives will reject their husband during the struggles that lead to an affair. Others will not. I think that both responses are perfectly valid. And I don’t think it’s at all crazy to realize that he needs you when he is struggling, even if those struggles lead to something regrettable. But here’s a distinction that I believe is important. Just because he needs you (and you want to support him,) this doesn’t mean that you won’t need to deal with the aftermath of the cheating. And it doesn’t mean that he is not responsible for his actions.
You Can Support Him And Still Need To Address The Cheating: I believe that supporting him when he is struggling doesn’t mean that he should get a free pass for his cheating. Yes, he is going through a rough time that would tax even the most well-adjusted person. It is understandable that you would want to help and support him. However, if you use his struggles as an excuse for his cheating and you forgive him without any making rehabilitation mandatory, you might be sending a message that you might later regret. It’s important to understand that infidelity hurts a marriage even if you understand the reasoning behind it. So no matter how much you might sympathize with him and support him, both of you will need to understand that you may have some work to do on your marriage and on restoring the trust. Because you don’t want for him to act out or cheat every time he goes through rough times.
The husband could likely use some help learning to cope while you could use some reassurance that he will not cheat again. So while I absolutely understand (and even commend) this wife wanting to be there for her husband during this very difficult time, I also felt that it was vital that they also place their focus on healing and rehabilitation. The cheating is a reality that you cannot ignore, but it is also sometimes a cry for help.
I do not say this to make an excuse for him, but my husband was under a lot of stress when he cheated. And, we needed to address these issues in our healing. But, this did not excuse his cheating and we still had to effectively deal with it in order to save our marriage. However, the work we did helped us both as individuals and as a couple. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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