Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s common for people to know that when they have sex for the first time after learning of their spouse’s affair, they could have some difficult feelings as a result.  Many are fully aware that it may be awkward or it may cause feelings of anger or even indifference.  But some people are surprised when they feel sadness instead.

I might get a comment like: “it has been six weeks since I found out about my husband’s affair.  I kicked him out to begin with.  I wanted no part of him.  But the kids missed him and they did not understand what was happening.  And he called and tried to come by every day – crying about how sorry he was and carrying on.  So I started letting him come over on weekends and then every time Monday would roll around, he would beg to stay.  I started letting him come over sometimes during the week and one night last week, he slept over and we ended up having sex.  I most definitely did not intend for that to happen.  Because I was afraid that it would be bad.  I am very insecure as to whether or not he is still attracted to me.  I mean, if he was truly attracted to me, he would not have cheated, right? Well, the sex was awkward.  My husband clearly tried to overcompensate because he was very attentive and loving and that is not his normal way.  So in the back of my head, I was thinking that he was just faking and I almost could not wait for it to be over because I had thoughts of him and her and then of him faking it with me.  I tried to pretend that everything was Ok but when he left, I just started sobbing.  I felt so sad.  And it wasn’t all about the awkwardness of the sex.  It was more about the fact that I remembered how wonderful sex used to be between us and how natural it felt before this all happened. This is all so sad and such a waste.”

I understand what you are feeling.  And, it’s quite normal.  I’d like to stress that one bad experience does not mean that your marriage is sentenced to always feeling uncomfortable or to having bad sex from here on out. Nor does it mean that you have to resume having sex since you’ve done it once.  You get to decide how you want to proceed from here and you can chose to not allow yourself to be pressured or to set the pace that feels most comfortable to you.  Sure, your husband would undoubtedly like to be in his own home with his family, but you may not be ready yet.  And it is really up to you whether you are ready to have him there in that capacity.

I always found that physical sex was often affected by how I felt emotionally. If you have not healed yet (and six weeks could be too soon) then the sex isn’t likely to be great.  It wasn’t mentioned whether there was counseling or any plan to facilitate healing.  But just spending time together on the days that he comes home probably isn’t going to adequately address all of the issues.  It’s very hard to have great sex when the issues are still between you.

Also, I know why you assume that he’s faking it.  I had the same worries.  But it is possible that he is trying to go out of his way to show you how much he cares and how sorry he is.  He may not know exactly how to say or express this with words so he is trying to do it physically.  Eventually though, expressing it with honest and straight forward words is going to be needed.  Because until you can both do that, you are both going to have questions and doubts. You can grapple along physically, but because you are not there emotionally, you are likely to always know that it is just not right. And you deserve better than that.

It is very normal to feel sad because there is a loss after infidelity.  You know that things have changed through no fault of your own.  It’s a very frustrating, helpless feeling that I do not think that people fully appreciate or understand.

However, I do not want for you to think that this goes on forever because it doesn’t.  You do feel better in time and, as healing takes place, that helpless feeling begins to wane because you feel your sense of control at least partially return.  Sex can get better also, but I would not rush this.  I don’t see a benefit in doing so.  It can mix things up with you emotionally – which can also affect the sex so it becomes a negative cycle.  I always found that it pays to keep things simple when you focus on emotions and healing initially, and then you worry about the sex when it is more appropriate to do so.

What you are feeling is normal and understandable.  There is loss right now, but as you take some of your control back and begin to prioritize healing, you will hopefully see some relief in the sadness. Take it one day at a time and don’t feel bad about yourself for feeling whatever comes up.

When you are ready, there are things that you can do to increase your sexual confidence and satisfaction.  But do not rush it.  There is no hurry.  I found that waiting for it to be emotionally right meant that it was also physically right.  It was worth it to move slowly. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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