Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives feel as if they are being pressured into counseling after their husband has cheated or had an affair. They are often still reeling and they don’t want to be forced into a quick decision or commitment.

One might comment: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I told him very directly that I was going to need a lot of time in order to determine how I wanted to proceed. I didn’t kick him out, but I didn’t agree to stay in our marriage either. Frankly, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. So I told him that he could continue living with me and our kids while I took my time evaluating what I wanted to do about us. Honestly, I thought that I might watch his behaviors and see how he was acting toward me and combine those observations with my own feelings in order to make a decision. Well, apparently, this process isn’t fast enough for my husband. He has started contacting and interviewing counselors. He is pushing for me to go to counseling with him and I’m not sure that I am ready for that. I worry that if I agree to go to counseling, this will almost be like condoning the affair and it is almost like me saying I’m willing to work with him to save our marriage. And I don’t want to give either impression. What do you think?”

You Have Control Over What You Want The Counseling To Address: I have a definite opinion on this based on my own experience and observations. I believe that counseling can be incredibly helpful, but both people need to be on board in order to take full advantage of it. Often, you have one spouse who is quite willing while the other spouse feels as if they are merely along for the ride. And this can lead to resentment and can keep the counseling from being as effective as it should or could be.

With that said, I don’t feel as if going to counseling is condoning the affair. You can make it very clear that you are reserving judgment about the future but are going to counseling in order to obtain some clarity and some help for the sake of your children.

Also, if this wife didn’t feel comfortable going as a couple, she could always go on an individual basis. I can tell you from experience that it’s not always a good idea to talk to friends or family members about this topic because if you do end up saving your marriage later, then people who you care about are going to have judgments about your spouse and your marriage. Who needs that? This is why it helps to talk to a neutral third party who isn’t involved in the day to day life or you or your spouse.

Also, it really says a lot about this husband that he went and sought out and then interviewed counselors on his own. I can tell you that very few husbands take this sort of initiative. So the fact that this husband was taking this onto his own shoulders told me that he was very motivated to help his wife and/or to save his marriage.

However, him taking this initiative didn’t mean that the wife was bound to go along with it if she was uncomfortable, but I felt there was no harm in taking advantage of the counseling.  She may ultimately decide that she doesn’t want to save her marriage, but this didn’t mean that she couldn’t accept the help that the counseling might offer.  Nothing said her accepting the help meant she owed her husband anything.  Plus, if she didn’t like the fact that the husband chose or interviewed the counselor, then she should feel free to talk with her own.

And I’d like to make one additional point. This couple had children. And while the wife might ultimately decide that she can’t get over the infidelity, the fact that they had kids meant that they would still need to deal with one another in a positive way on a regular basis. A counselor can help you to do that, even if you don’t ultimately remain married.

Counseling Isn’t For Everyone. But Even If You Don’t Get Counseling, Consider Seeking Some Sort Of Release: I do understand that going to a counselor isn’t for everyone. Some people want to keep this issue private and aren’t comfortable in this type of external setting. I understand this as I’m very introverted and don’t enjoy sharing personal issues with those that I do not know very well. However, if you don’t take advantage of the counseling, please try to find a release somewhere even if you only journal or talk to a loved one whom you can trust completely. Educate yourself about what it takes to really heal, because no one deserves to serve a life sentence of pain and doubt for a choice that their spouse made.

But to address the original concern, I truly don’t feel that attending counseling is condoning the cheating. You can make it very clear that you aren’t yet sure how you want to proceed while still taking advantage of the observations and help that the skilled third party can offer.

With that said, counseling was only one of the things that helped me heal.  And I honestly found things that were more helpful to me.  You should feel free to try different things until you hit your own comfort level.  Because if you aren’t comfortable, you aren’t going to be open.  However, I advocate giving every option a fair chance before you make any decisions.  I understand that this is probably a very confusing time.  But it does get better.  You can read about some things which helped me to move forward after infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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