Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lerch: I often hear from wives who are struggling to put their lives back together after their husband cheats or has an affair. One issue that comes up quite often is a feeling that you have no control over what is happening in your life. I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I feel like I don’t have any control over my life since my husband’s affair.  I feel like I have to wait for him to decide who he wants.  I feel like I have to wait to see if this other woman is going to leave him alone.  Plus I have to wait to see if I’m marriage will survive.  And meanwhile, my wishes or my actions do not matter because I am at the mercy of everyone else.  I hate feeling this way.  I guess that maybe I am a control freak, but it feels unfair that my life is dependent on the decisions of others.”

Feeling In Control Again After The Affair: I know that it can feel as if you have no control over how things end up in your marriage.  But it is important to do everything in your power to shift some of the power back to yourself.  While it’s true that your husband has some decisions to make (and how things turn out may hinge on some of those decisions,) your feelings and wishes can and should come into play as well.

When I discuss this with wives many will have responses like: “well it’s no mystery how I feel.  My husband knows that divorce is not an option for me so he knows that he holds all of the cards.  He knows that I won’t walk away from this marriage so it’s clear that he’s the one who gets to make the decisions while I just have to wait and see what he decides.”  I understand why it can feel this way, but the perception that you have no decisions to make isn’t entirely accurate.

Although you may well be very clear on wanting to save your marriage, nothing says you have to save the same marriage.  Obviously, because of what has happened, adjustments will need to be made and rebuilding will have to take place.  Now is the time to decide how you want your important relationships to look and feel like.   Decide what you truly want and vow that you will ultimately accept nothing less.

Admittedly, you may already know that you’ve made a decision about saving your marriage, but this doesn’t mean that you won’t be making any important and lasting changes and there are plenty of decisions to be made about that process.   You also have plenty of control about how you live your life from this day forward.  I know that it is extremely easy to be discouraged about what is happening in your life right now.  But understand that what is happening is external.  In other words, you’re having to respond to someone else’s decisions, and this is painful.  But these external things do not change who you are.

You get to decide every single day how you want to proceed.  Every day, you will make tons of decisions as to whether to dwell on the uncertainty, pain, and lack of control or whether to stand up, dust yourself off, and take this opportunity to define what you want out of your life, your relationships, and your marriage from today forward.  I know that it’s a stretch to say that healing from an affair is ever a good or positive thing, but it does bring about certain opportunities which I think are often overlooked.

Because you can use this as an opportunity to reexamine your life, how you are living it, and what you truly want out of it.  My own husband’s infidelity allowed me to see some places where I had been selling myself short and relying upon him too much for my own personal happiness and finances.  So, I became more independent, went back to school, and focused on building a career for myself for my own peace of mind.  This gave me a greater sense of control and it ended up paying huge dividends in terms of my own personal happiness and my marriage.  I feel as though I am more of an equal partner now and that feels very good.

Of course, you don’t need to make huge adjustments or take large risks in your life in order to regain a sense of control.  A change in attitude and outlook can work wonders as well.  Please don’t think I’m trying to minimize what you are going through or asking you to put on a happy face in a very difficult situation.  I’m truly not. But, what I am saying is that you often have more control than you think.  But you have to prioritize and demand it. And once you place your focus on your own wants and needs, you will likely realize that even more is available for the taking.

I often think that wives don’t realize how much a lack of control can contribute to feeling helpless.  Dealing with an affair is bad enough without feeling helpless too.  It took me way too long to learn this in my own life, but once I did and took some of my power back, things began to change for the better.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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