Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: People sometimes forget that, if both people who cheated are married, there may be four people dealing with the aftermath of an affair. Of course, it is human nature to focus on your own feelings and your own recovery. But sometimes, you can’t help but think about the other faithful spouse – who in some cases is the other woman’s husband. 

Sometimes the faithful wife will almost feel a sense of comradery with him. After all, he may also be dealing with the emotions of being cheated on or he may still be in the dark. But neither is an enviable place to be. 

She might feel the need to reach out to him, but be unsure if it is appropriate.

She might say, “It hasn’t been long since I caught my husband cheating. He hid it well. I had to work long and hard to actually catch him because all along, he denied everything and insinuated that my suspicions were crazy. But of course, it turns out that I was right. I have asked my husband if the other woman’s husband has caught her or if he knows about the affair. My husband claims not to know because he says he hasn’t spoken with the other woman and doesn’t intend to. I don’t want him speaking to her, of course. But I can’t stop thinking about this woman’s husband. He may be unaware of what is going on, and he has the right to know. However, when I discuss this with friends, I am told that I should mind my own business and worry about my own marriage. Part of me knows that some of this sentiment is correct, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I almost feel that I have a moral obligation to tell him. In his shoes, I would want someone to tell me. Should I tell her husband?”

The Good Reasons Not To: I can only offer you my opinion based on my experiences and observations over the years. Everyone has to do what is right for them, after all. But in my own case, I chose not to insert myself into the other woman’s life in any way. And I would make the same choice again today after what I’ve observed from other affairs.  

Why? Because there is no upside to your getting involved in someone else’s marriage. You don’t know if he knows about the affair already. He may well know. Or, the spouses may even have an understanding and have an open marriage. Or, like you, he may have been suspicious and is watching closely. There is just no way to know. But you have your own marriage to worry about and so does he.

The Upside of Moving Away from Having Strangers in Your Life:  After my husband’s affair, one of the things I wanted most was a clean break from the other woman. I didn’t want him talking to her anymore in any way whatsoever. I wanted no contact because contact would mean she’d have another way into our lives, which of course is the last thing I wanted.

Now if you go and contact her husband, you’ve inserted yourself into their lives. She would be within her rights to call you and ask why you contacted her husband. And now she has an “in” that your husband didn’t create, but you did. 

Or, the husband could contact your husband, which, again, means that the other woman’s household is in your life, which delays your ability to move on. 

I suppose some people will look at this and think it is selfish to keep whatever knowledge you have to yourself. But my thinking is that affair recovery is hard enough without taking on something additional to worry about and deal with.  

You don’t know that the husband isn’t already going through his own recovery. If not, he can demand more information from his spouse in the same way that you did. Or perhaps his wife will confess or try to be the wife her husband deserves since she has nothing to keep her interest in your household.

In truth, your inserting yourself into their household could either cause pain or drama, neither of which anyone needs right now. You could also be met with anger because your message isn’t welcome. 

That is only my opinion, and I realize that opposing opinions also have sound arguments. However, I’ve never seen this scenario turn out well when someone intervenes in this way. It just doesn’t work out as intended, and there is always regret and a wish to not have done it.  

The message is a very sensitive and painful one, and to have that delivered by a stranger adds another dimension of pain. Sure, you may feel if you don’t tell him, no one will, but you can’t know if that’s true, either. 

Ultimately, you’ll have to decide what feels right to you. Whatever you decide, try very hard to limit contact as soon as you can, so that you can get on with the business of healing and moving on – no matter what happens with your marriage. Right now, give your permission to focus on and worry about yourself first. It took me  awhile to figure that out, but once I did, I finally began to heal.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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