Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Even if you are normally very confident, it’s not unusual for your self-esteem to take a hit after your husband’s affair. His having any type of relationship with someone else – no matter how superficial – can feel like a rejection of you. And you can wonder how you ceased to keep his attention and whether he’s just no longer interested.

As an example, a wife might comment, “I’m not normally someone who doesn’t give myself enough credit. I know that I am capable and that I have much to offer. I’m very intelligent. I’ve been a good spouse. But now that I’ve found out that my husband has cheated on someone younger, I am fixated on it. She’s honestly not that pretty, but she is young, and that’s something that I just can’t compete with. I take care of myself, of course. I believe that I am decent-looking for my age. But that wasn’t enough to keep my husband faithful.”

“He says it wasn’t about my looks and that it didn’t have anything at all to do with me. He said he was just being old and stupid. He swears that he still finds me beautiful inside and out. I want to believe that. We honestly had a good marriage before all of this happened. So I really want to believe that, but I just can’t get over feeling like I have to compete, and at the end of the day, I can’t. I can’t fight the passing of time. And there are younger women all over the place. My husband has done most of what I have asked. It’s not as if he’s refusing to end the affair, or demanding that I just accept it while he’s indignant about his actions. So I guess that is something. But I don’t know how I will get over how bad I feel about myself now.”

Many faithful wives go through what you are going through now. It’s nearly impossible to maintain the same level of self-esteem you had before when your spouse cheated, at least initially. It’s an immediate reaction, and no matter how much you try to calm down and think it through rationally, emotions can get the better of you. Here are some things that might make you feel better:

He’s Often Right When He Tells You It’s About Him: Your husband may be sincere when he tells you that it wasn’t about her, that it was about him. It’s very common for men who are going through their own issues with aging or other stressors to be tempted to do things that make them feel young, attractive, and vibrant again. An affair is one of those things, and it is more about how it makes them feel than about the other woman.

I can’t tell you how often I hear from people who tell me the other woman isn’t attractive, smart, or doesn’t have much to offer, but it just doesn’t matter to the husband sometimes. That’s because the affair wasn’t about her. It was about how the action made him feel about himself at the time or how it provided relief from the negativity he was feeling. 

And knowing your husband is something that you CAN compete with. If you are still invested in your marriage and are so inclined, you can support him in whatever he is going through, if you like.  

But you are not responsible for his struggles. And they aren’t an excuse for cheating. He still made an unfortunate choice. But it may help to think that the affair could very well have been more about him than about her. The fact that he’s moved on from her so quickly and easily is a good sign. 

Shoring Up Your Self-Esteem:  I definitely had to work on my self-esteem after my husband cheated. But I learned something about the process. It shouldn’t be done from a place of desperation. Because if it is, you almost project that you are less than. And you are not less than. You are the same wonderful, interesting, and vibrant woman you were before you learned about cheating. The only difference now is your perception of yourself.

It helps to remind yourself that nothing has changed about you. If it makes you feel better about yourself to work on your appearance, weight, wardrobe, or sexuality, then, by all means, give yourself permission to do it. But you shouldn’t feel like you HAVE to do any of these things if you know in your heart that you are fine. 

I did get a bit healthier and indulged in a bit of pampering, but that is because I felt like I more than deserved it. I didn’t want my husband to think that I thought there was something wrong with me or that I wasn’t enough. 

From going through this myself and from speaking with other women, what is most attractive is confidence. If you know that you are the best that you can be, then that is enough, and that’s usually super attractive.

But if you suddenly doubt yourself, become insecure, and no longer maintain eye contact, or your enjoyment of life, then you project that something is wrong with you or that something is deficient. You’re not deficient, and you don’t need to feel like you have to compete.

You can ask your husband to do the work so that you’re sure that he will continue to be faithful and you don’t feel as insecure. I found that as we healed, my self-esteem got better and better. And as I worked on myself on my own, it got even better still. Some days were better than others but gradually, my self-esteem was pretty much restored because I realized the affair had very little to do with me, so I wasn’t going to punish myself for it.  You can read the entire story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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