I Feel So Much Hate For Everyone and Everything After My Husband’s Affair
Many wives find that they are flooded with emotion while learning about (or dealing with) a spouse’s affair. Understandably, these emotions are often quite negative and strong. Some wives experience feelings that are not typical. One good example of this is hatred.
A wife might say, “I am typically a pretty easy-going and loving person. However, since I found out about my husband’s affair, I find myself feeling animosity toward almost everyone. Then I lash out too. In addition to being shocked and hurt, I find that I feel absolute hatred for many people. I hate my husband for cheating. I hate the other woman for her part in this. I hate my husband’s friends, who I thought were my friends too. They knew about this and didn’t tell me. I hate my mother’s old-fashioned advice. I hate the pity of my friends. I am so filled with anger and hatred that I feel almost radioactive. I have never been this type of person before. I feel so bitter and hostile. I want to stop feeling this way, but I have nothing but negative feelings about everyone around me. Will this ever get better or will I always be lashing out? I worry that I’m going to alienate my mother and good friends, but right now I’m resentful of anything that they attempt to offer me. And I can’t even think about feeling anything but hatred toward my husband right now – and maybe ever.”
Why You Feel The Hatred: In my experience, these feelings do abate in time. You’re hurt and angry. Right now, those feelings project onto every one that is crossing your path. I completely understand your not wanting to alienate the people closest to you right now. I found it helpful to ask myself who deserved my hatred and who did not. For example, in this scenario your mother and friends (while potentially annoying,) probably do not deserve your wrath. Their behavior may be overreaching or clumsy, but in their minds, they are probably truly trying to help you in the best way that they can. And, quite frankly, you need all of the love and support that you can get right now.
If their support feels wrong, it’s fine to re-direct the conversation or to ask to spend your time together talking about other things, but don’t alienate your support system, because you will need them.
The Opposite Of Hatred Is ….. I once had a great therapist who taught me to always try to look at the opposing force of what I wanted to change. For example, if I was feeling frustrated, I needed to consider that the opposite of frustration was calm. So I should seek out things that made me feel calm. In this case, the opposite of hate is love. And this is tricky. Because although it makes sense to act with love when you feel hatred, you’ll have to ask yourself where you can do this and still be authentic.
In this example, it may not be possible for you to summon your love for your husband just yet (or maybe not ever, if you choose to walk away.) But, you can heap all kinds of love upon yourself, your family, and your friends. Doing so probably won’t make all of your hatred magically disappear overnight, but it is a start.
The Hatred May Fade With Healing: I can’t think of the last time that I felt outright hatred toward anyone due to my husband’s affair. But, enough time has passed that I have healed and so it is easy for me to not dwell on the painful aspects of the past. However, I felt plenty of hatred early on. I simply projected all of my disappointment, anger, and sadness onto the people around me (including myself.) I had not yet learned how to channel these feelings into action. Once I did, I began to heal. And with healing, most of the negativity that I was experiencing began to fade.
Right now, the best thing that you can do is to be proactive about your healing, not about your hatred. Recognize that what you are experiencing are only feelings – that can and will pass. You don’t need to act on them, but you can use them as clues about your next positive steps. In my case, the hatred was due to anger and a loss of control. So I worked on regaining control over my life. I put myself first and I gave myself permission to go after what I needed to heal and then move on. Once these things came into balance, my hatred lessened. Once I realized that I was going to be okay, it was a waste of energy to focus on anything other than what was most important to myself and to my immediate family. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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