Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: katie lersch: I often hear from wives who are really struggling with their self esteem after their husband had an affair. I usually hear comments like: “I don’t think my husband finds me attractive anymore, but things have been even worse after his affair.” Or “I feel like my husband doesn’t desire me anymore. He looks at me as if I’m something that’s distasteful.” Another common comment is: “I feel like he’s turned off by me and that’s why the affair happened in the first place.”

Comments like these are upsetting to me, but are unfortunately something I hear a lot and have felt myself. It’s hard enough dealing with the fact that your husband betrayed you by having an affair. But you shouldn’t have to take a blow to your self esteem as well. When you worry that you’re not good enough, this can very much impact your healing and your ability to recover. Not only that, but a lack of confidence and self doubt can very much sabotage your ability to fix or save your marriage. So, in the following article, I’ll offer some tips and insights on how to feel attractive to both yourself and your husband once again.

Don’t Assume That The Affair Happened Because Your Husband No Longer Found You Attractive: This is an assumption that many wives will immediately jump to. It’s so easy to blame and to doubt ourselves. Here’s what I really want you to understand. Affairs very often have a lot to do with your husband’s own self doubts about his own attractiveness and desirability.

I talk with husbands in this situation quite often. It’s fairly obvious to me that often, it’s their feelings about themselves that contribute most to the affair. Their feelings about you might come into play, but usually, they will craft the perceived feelings only as a means to justify their behavior (since no one wants to think about the places where they themselves are lacking.)

So he may tell himself (and even you) that this is about you or the marriage, but in fact it is about him. I want you to understand this because I don’t want for you to blame yourself. Just look at the countless beautiful and famous women who have quite publicly had to deal with their husband’s affair. They most certainly are not unattractive. Some of them are the most beautiful women in the world. And much of the time, the woman that their husband cheats with is no where near as attractive as they are. (In fact, sometimes the other woman is quite hideous.) It really doesn’t have everything to do with your appearance or the level of your (or even the other woman’s) attractiveness. It has to do with how attractive he perceives himself to be.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Doing Whatever You Need To Do So That You Perceive Yourself As Attractive: Women often tell me that they are considering drastic changes to their appearance after their husband’s affair. Many diet. Many get new wardrobes. Some will change their clothing and their hair. If these things make you feel better about yourself or your situation, then there is nothing wrong with this.

The advice that I usually give is that as long as it’s not anything dangerous or drastic, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel better. But, I usually caution women to make sure that they are making the changes for themselves, and not for someone else. If you change for someone else, then it’s possible that when you look at the changes, you continue to see and feel doubt.

In my own case, I did lose some weight. But probably the thing that gave me the most positive impact was finally fixing my teeth (which had always bothered me and had been an issue long before the affair.) I also went back to school so that I would know that any actions I took and any decisions I made were not based on the fact that I was dependent on my husband.

Self Confidence After A Husband’s Affair Is Important On So Many Levels. You Must Focus On Maintaining It Or On Getting It Back If You’ve Lost It: Sometimes, women worry that they are being self centered or selfish if they focus on themselves. Some worry that their husband will think they are considering cheating on him as some sort of pay back. I encourage women to make no apologies for focusing on themselves, especially after your husband had an affair. If you don’t do this for yourself, you run the real risk of not having your needs met because no one is going to do it for you.

Sometimes, wives admit to me that they worry that restoring their self confidence will cause even more problems in their marriage. My observation is that the opposite is true. If you present and see yourself as someone who is not good enough or who is less than someone else, this affects your relationships, the way that you are perceived, and your expectations. I have seen and experienced the self doubt eroding the good left in the relationship. You often can’t believe that your husband still wants to be with your or still wants to save the marriage if you see yourself as less than desirable or attractive.

Recovering after an affair is hard enough without throwing self doubt into the mix. It’s my experience that restoring your self esteem is a necessary step that many women neglect because they think that it’s selfish. It really isn’t. And if you skip it, you will likely see negative connotations from this coming out in many areas of your life. You deserve happiness and peace. You deserve to know that you are good enough and that he is very lucky to have you. It’s not selfish to make sure this happens. It’s smart.