I Feel Used After My Husband’s Affair
By: Katie Lersch: There are normal emotions that you can expect from a wife whose husband has had an affair: shock, betrayal, anger, fear, and insecurity to name just a few. There’s one feeling that you don’t hear a lot about but that I’ve had more than a few people express to me – the feeling of being used.
You might hear a wife describe it this way: “I am furious with my husband for having an affair. I feel used. I feel like for the past three months, he was having sex with this other woman and then he was still coming home and using my body for his own pleasure when he was having sex with me. I feel like he was using me to mother his children and clean his house and cook his food while he was betraying me the whole time. But when I tell my husband this, he says that although he is very sorry for cheating and that he is going to make it up to me, he didn’t see it as using me. He said that we both have roles in our marriage that we willingly take on. He says that he doesn’t feel used at having to go to work every day to support our family. He says that he willingly does this because he loves us. I believe that this is different. He is not being used because I am not cheating on him. Isn’t this correct?”
It is certainly not for me to say if you have the right to feel used of not. It’s my opinion that any feeling that you have is absolutely valid and should not be judged or debated. And to be honest about it, I can certainly understand why you feel used. You feel as if you were holding up your end of the marital bargain while he was not. You feel as if he took advantage of all of the things that you were doing to be a good wife to him and he betrayed you anyway.
Be Careful Of Where These Feelings Take You: None of these feelings are out of line.The argument could be made that they are pretty accurate. I would never tell you that you don’t have a right to feel them. But I would caution you that when you dwell on being used, you feel like a victim. And when you feel like a victim, it can feel as if some of your power is being taken away.
That is why I would suggest adjusting your habits and your behaviors so that you feel less like a victim. Of course you still want to parent your children. But, you may not feel comfortable being vulnerable with your husband right now. You may not feel comfortable sharing intimacy and emotions. You may feel like you want to pull that back for the time being until you have a better handle of what has happened and what his actions are going to be moving forward.
Taking Back A Sense Of Control: No, you didn’t have any choice as to whether or not he cheated and that really isn’t fair. But, you do have a choice as to what you want to happen moving forward. And you get to decide the pace of this. You may not be able to see into the future and you may want to wait to take any action before you have more information. But frankly, deciding to wait and see is also a decision.
In truth, we all have our roles in our marriages. But when one spouse is lying to the other or betrays the other, then it can feel as if the spouse who cheated took advantage of the other. This is understandable. And this is where the feeling of being used comes from. I think that the first step in recovering from this is to make sure that you feel as if you still have some power and control. One way to do this is to make sure that it is clear that you are going to be the one making the decisions about what you want to do moving forward.
You get to decide what you want and need from your husband going forward. You get to decide what sort of life feels the best to you. Will all of this ensure that you no longer feel used? Maybe not completely. But it will be a start. And it will give you a greater sense of control, which is important right now.
I do understand why you feel used. But I would caution you not to focus on the feeling of being a victim. Instead, focus on believing that you have the power to ask for and receive the life that you want. You have the power to craft a life that feels better for you in the future. You can read more about how I chose to approach this after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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