I Have Just Admitted To Having An Affair. What Now?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who have just admitted that they’ve been cheating or having an affair and they don’t know what to do next. Sometimes, their spouse is having a very negative reaction or is peppering them with questions that they don’t know how to answer. They want to do and to say all the right things, but they aren’t sure if honesty is the best policy or if they should try to minimize the damage. Sometimes, they want to physically reassure their spouse but they are worried that their touch is going to be repulsive.
I recently heard from a wife who had just confessed having an affair with a coworker. She confessed because she wanted to. Her husband wasn’t suspicious and truly had no idea that she was being unfaithful. She said, in part: “I just told my husband about my affair. I have ended things with the other guy because I realized that my marriage was too important to me to risk it. I struggled with whether to admit things to my husband but I decided that complete honesty was the only way to go. At this point, my husband appears to be just shocked and numb so I have no idea how to proceed. Should I just take my cues from him? Should I leave him alone for a while? What happens now?”
I was the cheated on rather than the person who cheated in my own marriage, but I have a definite opinion about the best way for the unfaithful spouse to proceed, which I will outline below.
Allow Your Spouse To Take The Lead But Know That They Might Be Expecting The Same From You: A very common problem that I see happen time and time again in this situation is that both people are waiting for the other one to set the pace. Often the faithful spouse isn’t sure what the cheating spouse really wants. Yes, they have confessed and they are saying that they want to save the marriage. But often, you can’t help but wonder if that is their guilt talking or if there is something else that is motivating them.
So, it’s very common for the faithful spouse to watch the other like a hawk and analyze every comment, every gesture, and even every facial expression. At the same time, the cheating spouse is sometimes dealing with their own fears and concerns. While they often want to hold and comfort their spouse, they will often hesitate because they worry that their touch will seem repulsive. They fear rejection so they will often wait for their spouse to tell them what to do. The problem is, the faithful spouse is often waiting for exactly the same thing. And this is how misunderstandings take hold.
It’s better to try to be very open and honest about your confusion and hesitation. If you are the cheating spouse, you might just say something like: “I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I want to support you, but I also want to give you some space if that is what you need. Are you able to share with me what would help you or support you the most right now? I’m willing to do whatever it takes, but I don’t want to push too hard or make you uncomfortable. My first concern is you and your feelings. So, to the extent that you can, it would help me if you could share what you I could do to help you the most.”
Be prepared for your spouse to answer with a request that you leave them alone for a while. Sometimes, that is the best call for the time being. With that said, some spouses do want physical confirmation that you still love them and that’s fine too. There are no “wrong” requests. What’s most important is doing your best to find out what your spouse wants and needs and trying to fulfill it as best as you can.
Get The Most Appropriate Help Available For Both of You: It is human nature to want to minimize the impact of the affair. Because if you look the fallout and the damage right in the eye, you have to fully admit what a grave mistake that you have made. So, it’s natural to want to tell yourself that things are not so bad and that, with a little patience and time, you will be able to move past this.
I have to tell you that it isn’t always as easy as you might hope right now. There are often multiple issues, some of which you may not even be aware. You’ll usually need to address both martial and individual issues at a time when you’re both hurting. It can be very difficult to have the perspective that you need and it can be even more difficult to act appropriately when you are in such pain. I realize that not everyone is comfortable with counseling, but you should at least educate yourself about the recovery process after an affair. It’s very common to hope that things will work themselves out, but in reality, few couples are able to truly and completely heal without a little help, at least in my experience.
I understand the wish to keep this private and to deal with it in your own way, but few people are equipped to handle this very multi faceted issue alone. In my opinion, it says a lot about the unfaithful spouse when they are willing to not only admit and take responsibility for their mistakes, but to also step outside of their comfort zone and procure the help, counseling, or resources that both spouses might need. Because this indicates that you care more about your spouse and your marriage’s healing and less about your own discomfort.
My husband’s willingness to do whatever I needed after his affair said a lot about him as a person and was central in helping us heal our marriage. This process wasn’t always easy, but it was clear from the beginning that he was willing to take the lead. If it helps, you can read about our recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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