Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: When you first find out that your husband has cheated and had an affair, it can feel as if life as you know it is over because nothing can ever be the same again. Many wives in this situation assume that in a couple of months, they’ll be divorced and alone.

That’s why it can be shocking when the husband proclaims that he has no intention of going anywhere. In fact, he wants to stay and make the marriage not only lasting, but better.

A wife might say, “Honestly, I can see why my husband sees the other woman as appealing. She is younger than me. She is prettier than me. She earns more money than me and is well-educated. Most people would see her as quite a prize. So when I found out who he was cheating with, I was ready to bow out. I truly was.”  

“I asked my husband whether he wanted to move out or whether he wanted me to. He told me not to make rash decisions, and then a couple of days later, he told me that the affair has been over for weeks and he wants to keep our marriage and stay with me. The first word out of my mouth was Why. I don’t understand. Clearly, he was unhappy enough with me that he cheated, and now he can be happy? He claims that he was never unhappy. He says that he just made a dumb decision in the moment, and now he realizes how stupid he was. He says he loves me and he will do anything for another chance. I want to believe this, but I’m having a very hard time. Why would he want me, a woman who is older, less educated, and more cynical when he could have the “better version?”

Please don’t think of yourself in this way. No one is a “better version” of anyone else. I can understand why your mind is settling where it is. I had the same thoughts. But below, I’ll tell you why I believe that in some cases, you can believe him when he says he wants to stay with you. Full disclose. I’m still married after a husband’s affair. I don’t regret it. So I have a specific point of view that I am coming from. 

Your History Counts For Something: Never underestimate the time and care that you have put into your marriage. You know your husband better than anyone else. Therefore, you have a history that she can not possibly replicate. You have a knowledge of him that she will likely never have.  

Let me ask you this. If you developed an illness, would you rather go to a brand new doctor or would you rather go to the doctor who has cared for you for years and who knows your history? You’d go to the established doctor because he knows and has cared for you. Why trust your important health to someone new?

The same is true of relationships. It feels safer and more comfortable to maintain a relationship with someone with whom you have a history of caring and compassion than to take a huge risk on something new.

Statistics of Affair Relationships Being Successful Are Extremely Discouraging: Whether your husband has seen the statistics or not, he may intuitively know that any affair relationship has a very, very low chance of success.

The vast majority of them don’t last anywhere near a year. So why would any sensible person give up a perfectly successful marriage (before his mistake in judgment) for something that just isn’t likely to work out? 

He May Realize He’s Only Asking for Heartache, Shame, and Drama if He Continues With the Affair: One of the things that make an affair so exciting is that you’re doing it on the sly. The intensity and the drama are high, and that creates excitement. However, these feelings often burn themselves out relatively quickly because the novelty wears off, and the “newness” doesn’t last forever.

Once the shine has tarnished, the shame sets in. The affair partners sometimes feel like fools and want to end those negative feelings as soon as possible.

The very same intensity that was alluring in the beginning eventually becomes a turnoff because no one wants to live in a state of chaos forever. 

The Risk of Losing What You Have Makes You Appreciate it More:  It’s very easy to take a long-term relationship for granted. And people who have affairs often don’t look ahead. They don’t think about what is going to happen when their loved one finds out about the affair. In fact, they often assume that no one will find out. They minimize the risk in their own minds. They don’t anticipate that they might lose their spouse. 

So when the affair is found out, when their spouse is angry, and the marriage feels like it is at risk, the cheating spouse can realize just how much they stand to lose due to their stupidity. Suddenly, the spouse looks more attractive because she might not be there tomorrow. The cheating husband’s actions mean that she may just decide that her life would be better without him in it.

So what does he want to do then? He wants to do whatever is necessary to ensure that she stays in his life and that he doesn’t do anything to put his comfortable relationship at risk once again.

I’m not insinuating that one decision about staying in your marriage is better than another after an affair. It is a choice that everyone has to make for themselves. But hopefully, this article has shown you that there are various and valid reasons a cheating husband may want to genuinely stay with his wife and make his marriage work. 

It is entirely your choice as to what you want to do going forward.  Make the choice for you.  Not for him.  And know that you have every right to take your time.  Don’t allow yourself to be rushed.  After my husband had exhibited trustworthy behavior for some time, I told him I’d trust him until he gave me a reason not to.  He never did. Which is one reason I don’t regret staying and am glad we repaired our marriage.  You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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