Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s probably fair to say that it’s a rare person who can go through the process of recovery after an affair unscathed. No matter how much you love your spouse and want to trust them completely, actually doing so can be very difficult, (even when they are doing everything that you ask and are proving themselves to be trustworthy so far.) Even worse, the trust issues can crop up concerning other people. For example, if other people knew about the affair but kept it secret, it can feel as if you might never be sure who you can trust ever again.

I recently heard from a wife who described this struggle this way: “Ever since I found out about my husband’s affair, I’ve pretty much suspected everyone of wrong doing. My husband kept the affair a secret for six months. I’ve known the woman he cheated on me with for years. She knows me intimately and yet she went behind my back and cheated with my husband. Not only this, but mutual friends knew about this and kept it a secret. Even the waitress at our favorite restaurant knew what was going on and yet no one said anything whatsoever to me. I feel so betrayed on so many levels. And I feel like most people will smile while lying right to your face. I find myself distrusting people who have given me no reason whatsoever to doubt them. I am constantly worrying that good and kind people are lying to me. I know that this is so silly, but I can’t seem to help it. What can I do about these trust issues since my husband’s affair. Do they ever go away?”

In my own experience after my husband’s cheating, the trust issues do get better. Do they ever go completely away? That probably depends on the person and how severe the betrayal was. I don’t think I will ever just blindly trust in someone without having my guard up first. But I have also learned that if you are constantly questioning and being suspicious of everyone, you could well be damaging some really precious relationships and hurting people who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it.

So, I do make a very conscious effort to try to give people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to. Frankly, it’s miserable to go through life thinking that everyone has an ulterior motive or is out to hurt or deceive you. Your relationships and connections are so much richer if you can back up a little and let your guard down, at least somewhat. Below, I’ll offer some tips on overcoming trust issues after your husband’s affair.

Tell Your Husband What You Need In Order To Restore Your Trust And Make Him Aware When He Falls Short: It can feel like an imposition to have to spell out for your husband that you want him to call and check in, come right home from work, and give you a lot of extra attention and patience. But sometimes, in order to get what you need, you really will need to spell it out. Sometimes, men either are not intuitive, do not want to push too hard, or are afraid of hovering or stepping on our toes. So they hang back and wait for us to lead the way. This can make us feel a little resentful that they are just sitting there doing nothing. Or worse, we assume that they don’t really care when this isn’t true at all.

So as much as you may resent it at first, it truly is in your best interest to just tell him what you want and need from him. If you’d like for him to call or text five times per day, it’s better to tell him this rather than pouting or feeling angry when he doesn’t. If it will make you feel better to check his Facebook or email accounts, then go right ahead. If you want him to include you anytime he goes out, let him know.

Anything that will help you begin to trust and believe in his sincerity is worth the effort. Both of you can benefit from understanding that this process can take a while. Often, both people are really enthusiastic at first but eventually the unfaithful spouse can begin to wonder if they’re going to be under scrutiny forever while the faithful spouse may get very tired of always asking and nagging. As frustrating as it is, keep right on going. You won’t need to do this forever, but do it until you feel as though you are more comfortable with trust. This can take a while, but your peace of mind is worth it.

Vow To Not Project Your Trust Issues Onto Those Who Don’t Deserve It: It’s normal and understandable to have your doubts about your husband or anyone else who has lied to you during the affair. But try very hard to not project your suspicions or inability to trust on those who have never once lied to or deceived you. Reaching out and trusting in others can be a gift to you right now. And although it may feel as if no one is really trustworthy or honest, that really isn’t true. Just because your husband made a mistake doesn’t mean that the whole world is dishonest. The people who have always been there for you and who have always told you the truth are the people you need most right now. So please don’t push them away because of someone else’s misstep.

As you might be able to gather from this article, I had serious trust issues after my husband’s affair. But it eventually became obvious that this was hurting relationships other than the one with my husband. I made a conscious effort to work on it and I have to say that I’ve made vast improvements. My marriage is back on solid ground and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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