Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s strange how heavy a secret can feel. Especially one that no one is supposed to know.

When I found out about my husband’s affair, I was devastated, but I also made the decision to keep it mostly private. At least for a little while. I wasn’t ready for the judgment, the pitying looks, or the flood of advice I hadn’t asked for. I didn’t want to answer questions I wasn’t prepared to face myself. So I stayed quiet – mostly. I acted like everything was normal. And when I did tell people, I regretted it. Because when I was ready to move on, they weren’t. They still had questions. Judgements, etc.

Even in that silence, something shifted. In me. Around me.

Because suddenly, I started wondering if the people closest to me could tell something was wrong. I’d see the way people studied my face a little longer than usual. I’d feel my co-worker glance at me just a beat too long during a conversation. And sometimes, when I was scrolling through social media and saw friends posting about their “perfect” anniversaries or husbands who “always have their back,” I wondered if they were doing it intentionally—because they knew mine had betrayed me. Even though I knew that was paranoid and very unlikely.

It’s a lonely feeling—to carry something so big and feel like the whole world is watching, even though no one has said a word.

If you’re going through something similar—if you haven’t told anyone about your husband’s affair but you feel like your pain is somehow visible—I want you to know that this reaction is incredibly common. And you’re not alone.

Why You Might Feel Like People Know (Even When They Don’t)

When you experience a betrayal this deep, it changes how you see the world—and how you assume the world sees you. You might become hyper-aware of your interactions. You might replay conversations in your head, wondering if you let any “tells” slip out. You start to believe your grief and shock are leaking through the cracks, even when you’re trying your hardest to appear “fine.”

Part of this comes from the internal pressure we put on ourselves. We think, If I’m not handling this well enough, everyone will know something’s wrong. And sometimes, the shame we feel around the affair (even though we didn’t cause it) convinces us we’re wearing it on our skin like a scarlet letter.

You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation

One thing I always remind myself—and other women who ask—is this: you are allowed to take your time. You are allowed to keep things private. You are allowed to process in silence until (or unless) you feel ready to share.

Just because someone suspects something doesn’t mean they know anything. And even if they do suspect, that still doesn’t mean you owe them an explanation.

Sometimes we keep things to ourselves because we’re not ready for the fallout. Other times, we do it to protect our children, or because we’re not sure if we want to save the marriage or walk away. All of those are valid reasons. And none of them mean you’re weak. YOU get to decide what you want to do.

What to Do If You Feel Like You’re Being Watched or Judged

Here’s the hard part: when you feel like people know, it can make you paranoid or self-conscious. It can make you withdraw even further. And isolation isn’t great for you when you need support that isn’t specifically related to the affair. So here are a few things that helped me:

1. Find One Safe Person: Even if you don’t want to “go public,” having one person you trust completely—someone who will listen without trying to fix it—can be a lifeline. It can also quiet that feeling that you’re completely alone. I actually told an acquaintance because she didn’t know my husband and had no dog in the fight.

2. Control Your Own Narrative: If someone does ask questions or makes assumptions, you don’t have to explain more than you’re comfortable with. A simple “We’re going through something personal right now” is enough.

3. Be Kind to Yourself: If you’re acting a little “off,” that’s okay. You’re grieving. You’re going through something serious. Don’t expect yourself to perform like everything is normal when it’s not.

4. Remember the Truth Isn’t Always Obvious: Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice subtle changes. And even if someone has picked up on something, they likely don’t know the details. Don’t give their assumptions more power than they deserve. We often assume people are looking at us when they aren’t. Most people are too self-absorbed to even care.

Keeping quiet doesn’t mean you’re suppressing your pain. It means you’re protecting your peace—at least until you’re strong enough to decide your next move. Whether that includes sharing your story or not is entirely up to you.

If you feel like people know, try to focus less on what they might be thinking and more on what you need to heal. That’s what really matters right now.

Don’t apologize for practicing extreme self-care. Protect yourself at all costs. The rest of the world can get in line. Your healing is the most important thing. I didn’t always prioritize my healing. And that was a mistake. Once I did. Something shifted. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t be married today without that shift. If you want to read about how I healed myself and helped save my marriage after my husband’s affair, check out https://surviving-the-affair.com