Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are hurting, but at the same time, they feel as if they have dodged a major bullet. They have caught their husband engaged in an emotional affair. They are hurt and devastated by this. But at the same time, they are grateful that they found out before the affair turned physical. They know that things could have been so much worse. And many are surprised at some of the feelings that come forth.

One might explain: “last week, I logged onto my husband’s email account to get the information I needed for my bank. I found an email from a woman at his work that was clearly inappropriate. After I read the first one, I started searching for others. After my search, I found that they had been acting inappropriately for about three months. However, as best as I could tell, it wasn’t a physical relationship. They sometimes discussed their families. I confronted my husband and he didn’t deny anything. He says he won’t communicate her any more if it that important to me. Well, it is vitally important to me. And I think my husband knows he was completely wrong because he’s been falling all over himself to be nice to me. What has me completely shocked is that suddenly, I have more desire for my husband. All of a sudden, I can’t keep my hands off of him. I’m sort of mad at myself because it’s almost like I am rewarding his bad behavior. If anything, I shouldn’t allow him to touch me. But I can’t seem to help it. I actually desire him more after he was inappropriate. What is wrong with me? I feel like an idiot.”

Frankly, there was nothing wrong with this wife. What she was describing is actually very common. Many wives find themselves suddenly receptive to their husband’s advances all of a sudden, even when they know that they should keep him at arm’s length. I will discuss some of the reasons behind this in the following article.

When You Realize That You Were Close To Possibly Losing Something, You Desire It That Much More:

Increased desire actually happens with physical infidelity also. Many people just do not understand how this is even remotely possible. The reason behind this is that suddenly you see how possible it is for your marriage to change in the blink of an eye. And that makes you feel much more vulnerable. As a result, you often want some reassurance that you can right this wrong. You still want some reassurance that you and your husband have chemistry and desire for one another.

And frankly, some wives have told me that thinking of their husband with someone else is almost a turn on because it provides confirmation that he is desirable. There is also the element of competition. The wife is now fully aware that if she doesn’t step up and save her marriage, the other woman might not hesitate to see that as an opportunity.

I know that some of these reasons may seem crazy to some. But it is really hard to fully explain unless you have experienced it. We don’t always have control over our emotions even when they frustrate us. Often, this surprises us more than anyone else.

Should You Act On These New Desires? Or Hold Back?

Many wives are not only confused as to why they are feeling these desires, but they also aren’t sure if they should act on them. As this wife said, you can almost feel as if you are rewarding your husband for his behavior by engaging intimately with him.

I can’t tell you what to do here. I assume you already know that most husbands will take full advantage of this and will feel quite relieved. This doesn’t mean that they are (or should be) off of the hook however.

Your increased desire doesn’t mean that you don’t have work to do. Whether your sex life is on the upswing or not, you can’t ignore the fact that you were likely very close to something that could have seriously challenged your marriage. So, while you can enjoy the new chemistry between you, I’d strongly suggest that you still examine where things went wrong and how you can prevent this from happening again.

With that said, I actually think knowing that the chemistry is still there is a very positive thing. Many couples struggle with this after infidelity. So luckily for you, this is just one less thing that you will have to deal with. But there are probably still many outstanding issues. You’ll both need to agree where you go from here and you’ll need to establish guidelines on which you both agree moving forward.

But to answer the question posed, this wife’s desire was very normal. It didn’t mean that anything was wrong with her. What was probably more likely was that she wanted to feel close to her husband because it was evident that their relationship was vulnerable and she wanted to reclaim it.

Our desire went up and down after my husband’s affair.  It wasn’t until we worked through our issues that I felt safe to fully engage again.  I don’t think I would have ever have had enough peace of mind to feel safe if we hadn’t done this work.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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