Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives want to know if it’s appropriate to change responses after a good deal of time has passed after their husband’s affair.

One might say: “my husband cheated with a woman from his work.  Because he has a religious job, this was a bit of a scandal.  I felt obligated to stand by him because he had so much to lose.  And I felt obligated because of my kids.  Also, I hoped that he would go out of his way to make things right.  I actually entertained the thought that our marriage might improve or that we could go to counseling.  Needless to say, none of this has happened.  Now that time has passed, I can look back now and see that my husband was a selfish, unfeeling jerk.  I don’t think it ever occurred to him that I might leave or that I might make my own decisions.  He’s never really seemed all that remorseful and he most certainly hasn’t tried to make things right.  I don’t think he’s still cheating, but he’s not loving or affectionate to me either.  Now that I see that things probably aren’t going to get any better, I want to leave. Some of my friends say that it’s too late to leave now.  I believe that I’m always allowed to change my mind.  Who’s right?”

In my own opinion, the wife is most definitely right.  Just because you initially tried to stand by your husband, nothing says that you can’t change your mind and rethink this decision, especially if things haven’t improved.  However, to alleviate your own guilt and to make this process as positive as it can be, I have a couple of suggestions, which I will outline below.

Try To Take Some Time Away And See If This Improves Things Before You Make A More Permanent Decision:

I think that part of the reason that the wife was reluctant to just take off was because she knew that leaving her husband was a huge decision that was going to have far reaching consequences.  She admitted that deep down, she still loved her husband but he had disappointed her so much that she worried their marriage might never recover.

Because she was still torn and reluctant in many ways, it made sense to not take drastic measures that couldn’t be taken back.  To that end, she might consider just taking an open-ended break from her husband to see if this would change her perceptions and force her husband into doing much better.

A suggested script might be something like: “I know that I told you that I would stay and stand by you.  I truly had good intentions and I had hoped that you would work hard to make this right.  In my mind, this hasn’t yet happened.  I feel like we haven’t made enough progress to make me feel secure or hopeful.  I was hoping that we would have strengthened our marriage by now.  I’m disappointed and I feel that I need some time away to get some perspective and to help me determine where I want to go from here.  I will need to determine if I want to make the time away a permanent situation or if there is anything left of our marriage.  Of course, I will make sure that you have access to our children.  And if you have any suggestions or anything that you want to say, I’d be happy to listen.”

This conversation is meant to be open-ended.  The wife is all but asking her husband if he’s willing to try harder or if he’s going to ask her to stay.  The wife isn’t saying that she’s never coming back or that she holds out no hope.  She is leaving it open in case she changes her mind or in case her husband surprises her and begins to show the initiative that she had long been hoping for.  The hope is that the risk of losing his wife would inspire this husband to finally do what was right and rehabilitate his marriage.

Consider Outlining What You Need In Order To Come Back (Or To Not Leave In The First Place.)

The wife felt pretty certain that her husband was going to try to convince her to come back home or to not leave at all.  Her leaving was likely going to affect him professionally.  But, the wife was under no obligation to do that since things hadn’t changed to her satisfaction.

Sometimes, men do not make the changes we are hoping to see because they either don’t know how or they aren’t completely sure exactly what you want.  That’s why I strongly advocate spelling things out so that there are no misunderstandings.  There is nothing wrong with outlining what you will need to see from him in order to feel more comfortable and content.  And frankly, a husband who wants his wife to come home has a much stronger incentive to finally make a quick change.  When he knows that he might lose his wife by remaining stagnant, this is when you will often see him get serious about making sincere and lasting change.

So to answer the question posed, you always have a choice.  No one should decide what you want to happen with your marriage or your living situation except for you.  You absolutely have the right to change your mind if your husband hasn’t made good on his promises.  But, I’d advocate moving slowly and giving your husband one last chance to make things right before making drastic or final decisions.  That way, you will know that you did everything that you could before taking any action.

I made and changed my mind many times after my husband’s affair.  And I never felt guilty or bad about this.  I was clear on the fact that I was in control of my own future.  If my husband had not been willing to restore the trust and rebuild our marriage, then I would have had no guilt of doing whatever was necessary to live my best life.  Luckily, he eventually understood that the outcome was really up to him and we did save our marriage.  You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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