Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Some wives who have the misfortune of having a cheating husband decide pretty early on that this is a deal-breaker from which there is no recovery. No matter how much these wives may wish that this wasn’t their reality, they know that it is. And they believe that no matter how much they may love their husband or want to save the marriage, it just isn’t going to be possible. Because they believe that they’ll never be able to fully heal. There will always be mistrust, resentment, and a betrayal that can never be forgotten. So they tell their husband to move on. Often, this is a bit heartbreaking because the husband is begging for a chance to make it right. But the wife knows that she can’t offer this, so she sends him on his way. She fully believes that this the right call. Until he begins seeing someone else – and sometimes – the other woman. The wife’s reaction to this may have her questioning if she made the right choice after all.

She might say, “I have always made it very clear that I would never tolerate cheating of any kind. My father was a serial cheater, and this ruined my family. I firmly believe that cheating is a choice. If you make that choice, then you’re choosing to put your marriage and family in jeopardy. This is not acceptable to me. So although my husband has spent the past several weeks begging me not to kick him out, I did just that. Believe it or not, that wasn’t easy for me. I had very mixed feelings. Deep in my heart, I still love my husband, and I probably always will. However, I watched my father make these same promises. But he never kept them. My mother had to deal with the cheating over and over again. I will not make the same mistake. For a few weeks after he left, my husband called me every day and asked me to reconsider. I refused, and I told him that there wasn’t any chance that I would change my mind. I told him to leave me alone and move on. Well, it seems that he took me at my word. I heard from mutual friends that he is now openly dating the other woman. I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that this is devastating to me. I meant what I said. But he claimed that he was completely over the other woman and that she meant nothing to him. Did he lie? Is she just a consolation prize? If he over me just that quickly? Why does this devastate me when I am pretty sure this is what is best for me and what I need to do?”

You are truly the only person who can answer these questions, but I can give you some theories. Before I do that, I want to stress that you should not be too hard on yourself.

Give Yourself Permission To Prioritize Your Own Self Interests: You stuck to your convictions, and you have every right to look out for yourself and to do what you believe is best for you. I firmly believe that there is no one right call after an affair. There is only what is right for you. And that is going to differ for everyone. It is a very individual choice. That said, here are some theories. And they are only that – theories. They may hit the mark, or you may decide that this is something else. But whether they hit home or not, how to proceed is ultimately up to you.

It Hurts That He Can Move On So Quickly: Speaking only for myself, I can tell you that it’s possible to push your husband away after an affair and then secretly hope that he is going to keep coming at you, hoping to change your mind. After all, this would prove that he is being honest. He’s being truthful about his wish to make this up to you and to save your marriage. And that obviously would make you feel a little better. (Or at least it did for me. In truth, I pushed my husband away almost as if it were a test after the affair.)

But, when he cuts his losses so quickly – even when you told him there was no hope, this makes you question his sincerity and his feelings for you. And that can hurt. Incidentally, this doesn’t mean that he isn’t acting out of his own hurt. Perhaps the other woman is just a distraction because he doesn’t want to be alone with the consequences of his actions. Maybe he is just trying to make you jealous or get a reaction out of you because he doesn’t want YOU to just walk away from HIM. Regardless of the reason, it still hurts to think that at least it appears that he can give up so quickly.

This About-Face May Be Causing You To Question Your Own Feelings: Many of us fully believe that cutting him loose is the right call. And we may even believe that, because we are right, it will be easier to move on. However, you can’t turn your feelings off and on, no matter how much you may want to. It’s normal to wonder if your pain means that perhaps you aren’t as ready to cut your losses as you had assumed. Many wives in this situation will wonder if they acted too quickly. They’ll ask themselves if perhaps they should have given their husband a chance instead of just throwing him away. Is this pain telling you that you made the wrong choice?

I’d argue that you don’t need to answer this question immediately. I believe that you can give yourself a little time to see how this all plays out. You don’t need to make important life decisions in this instant. You can watch and wait. You can see what happens with the other woman. You can see how you feel next week or next month. And you can watch your husband’s actions in the days to come.

The truth is, you may not know the correct path today or tomorrow. You often need a little more information from both your husband and yourself. You’ll need to give your feelings time to unfold authentically. And it may well turn out that indeed, you were right all along. Or, you may decide that you have every right to re-evaluate.

Yes, this is going to hurt no matter what happens moving forward. You were justified in your anger no matter what action your husband is taking right now. You are always justified to make the decision that you feel is right at the time. That was true last week, and it will be true next week. Give yourself some time to just sit with this, and know you’ll be in a better position to evaluate where you want to go from here as you gather more information. But you don’t need to decide this instant. Give yourself some time and space. The devastation may not mean anything other than this stinks, and it hurts.

But know that you did nothing wrong. You made the decision that you thought was right with the information you had. And you can continue to do this, even as things evolve.  My feelings most definitely swung back and forth after the affair.  I ultimately decided to give us a chance.  But I defend everyone’s right to make the decision that is best for them.  I don’t believe that there is always a perfect answer.  There is just what feels the most correct for you.

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