Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives want to confront or talk to the woman that their husband has been cheating with. Some women even take this concept a little further and decide that they want to meet with the other woman AND their husbands all at the same time. Often, they have some things that they want to say to both of them and the wife wants to see their reaction (and how they interact with one another) while this is happening.

One of these wives might say: “my husband has been cheating on me with a woman at our church. When I found out, I confronted him, said it must stop, and told him that we would find a new church. He agreed to find a new church, but he didn’t agree to break it off right away. He said he thought he had real feelings for her. He said he would agree to stop seeing her for the short term while we tried to work on our marriage. After thinking about this for a while, I decided that I wanted to meet with both of them at the same time. My husband thinks that this is a crazy idea. But there are things I want to say to both of them. I want to tell them why they can’t see each other. I want to tell them that their actions are affecting our two small children. And I want them to say goodbye to each other for food right in front of me. Because after my husband walks out that door with me, then I don’t want him to ever see her again. Some of my friends agree with my husband that this is a crazy idea. What do you think?”

First of all, I can tell you that this is a relatively common idea. I get a lot of emails on this topic and it’s not uncommon for wives to want to call this kind of meeting. I think at the heart of this, the wife wants the opportunity to have her say to both of them and she wants both people to witness what she has said to the other person.  She also thinks that the meeting will humanize her to the other woman and will show the other woman that the wife and husband present a united front.

With all of this said, I have to say that I really don’t think that this is a good, or even healthy, idea. There are several reasons for this, which I’ll discuss below.

You’re Almost Setting Them Up To Still Be A Couple: This scenario reminds me of the parent who calls the two young lovers into the house to give them both a strict warning. What is usually the result? The two young lovers rebel and want that forbidden relationship that much more. When you’re addressing them together, there is almost an implication that they are a couple who is united party while you are the odd man (or woman) out. This can actually make them feel closer to one or another or part of a united front, which should be the last thing that you want.

By Addressing The Other Woman, You Are Continuing To Allow Her Into Your Life: I understand you wanted to have a final say to this woman, but honestly, anytime you continue to think about, talk to, or address her, you’re continuing to give her a place in your life. Instead, you should begin a very swift and very decisive action of banishing her from your life without any hesitation. When wives continue to talk to, think about, or even argue with her, all you’re doing is dragging out what should be a finished process. The ideal situation is for your husband to tell her that it’s over (without even needing to be face to face) and then having no further contact whatsoever. But when you actually invite them to meet face to face (even when you are there,) then you are acting counter to this.

You’re Giving Them An Excuse To Talk To Each Other After The Meeting Is Over: It’s just human nature to want to discuss things that are happening to you with people who share the experience. It would not be unheard of for the two of them to want to discuss the meeting after it has taken place. This is just one more opportunity for them to continue to talk.

Often, This Meeting Does Not Have The Intended Result Anyway: Usually, the wife wants this type of meeting because she wants the other woman to see that she is a real person with a real family. They wife hopes that once the other woman sees her as a real person with real feelings, then she will back off. But often, the meeting gets a little heated and this actually makes it easier for the other woman to justify her actions. The other woman may actually start to think things like “no wonder he cheated on that angry, out of control woman. Who would want to be married to someone like that?”

You don’t want to give the other woman any ammunition to use against you. Frankly, it’s none of her business how you and your husband are proceeding without her. And honestly, the best way to make her see that you two are moving on without her is to show her that you haven’t even given her a second thought. But if you are calling her or demanding to see her, then you’ve made it obvious that you’re doing anything but that.

I think every wife who has been the victim of an affair has this same fantasy.  But I can tell you from the experiences that people recount on my blog that so often, this meeting does more harm than good.  I know that you are probably calling this meeting because you think it will help you feel better.  But frankly, the best way to feel better is to move away from her and to start the healing process.  If you’d like the read about my healing process, you can check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin