I Want For My Husband To Tell The Other Woman He Never Loved Her
By: Katie Lersch: Many wives understandably want the other woman out of their lives and out of their minds. Many of them figure that this process would be easier if they knew that she was out of their husband’s mind as well. To that end, these wives would like to minimize the relationship between the other woman and the husband. In short, she wants for both of them to realize that there were no real feelings involved.
A wife might explain: “when I first found out about the affair, my husband claimed to be in love with the other woman. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to save our marriage. After a lot of counseling and discussions, he now says that he realizes that the relationship was a farce and based totally on physical attraction. Today, he’s saying that he realizes that there was never really loved involved and that what he has with me is love while what he had with her was not. I am very relieved to hear this but one thing is still bothering me. A couple of weeks after the affair ended, she started texting me. She would just text one sentence lines that said things like ‘he will never love you in the way that he loves me’ or ‘he told me that he has never loved anyone in the way that he loves me.’ Needless to say, these claims are still troubling me. So I want my husband to tell her the same thing that he has told me – that he never really loved her. When I tell my husband this, he balks. He says that we need to leave the whole thing behind us and that he doesn’t want to communicate with her. Who is right? Because I really want for her to know that he never loved her, even though it’s kind of petty of me.”
I don’t necessarily think it’s petty. I completely understand. Because by always placing your focus on her, it can start to feel as if this other woman has something over you. So it can be very normal to want to let her know that she was mistaken about this. But, there are some real risk and incorrect assumptions here, which I will discuss below.
Understand That There Are Real Risks In Encouraging Him To Contact Her: I admit that my opinions on this come from my own biased experience. I understand wanting to put this woman in her place because I have been there. But I also know that much of the time, the other woman wants nothing more than to know that she has gotten under your skin. If you have your husband contact her with this assertion, she may well think that you put him up to this because you still see her as a threat.
Frankly, often her worst case scenario is for you and your husband to save your marriage, move on with your lives, and barely give her a second thought. When you have your husband contact her, she knows that this isn’t the case. She knows that she is still on your mind enough for you to want to pursue this. And she might see this as her way to get back into your life. Because you can’t expect for her to not want to respond. She may want to have the last word. And when this happens, suddenly she is in your life all over again. Is this really what you want?
If You Must Deliver This Message, Keep It Very Short And Make Sure She Knows It’s The Final Communication: Believe me when I say that I really do understand your feeling as if you need to communicate this important message. I still think it is a bad idea, but I understand it. I also know that some women just cannot rest until they finish this. My advice is if you can’t let this go and you need for her to know that he didn’t love her, make sure that the communication is very short and that she can’t have a long, drawn out response. I believe that doing this in writing is preferable to doing it face to face. So, possibilities might be an email or a text. But after that, block her ability to repeatedly text and email a response.
Because if you don’t, here is what is likely to happen. She is going to try to prove her point. So suddenly you’re going to get all of these emails, texts, or letters outlining just how often your husband told her he loved her or the things he did to express his love. And frankly, this is likely to just upset you and it might even affect your progress. Don’t allow her to get another foothold into your life.
As I hope you can tell, I think it’s best not to pursue this. If your husband doesn’t communicate with her any longer and you save your marriage, then this woman can put the two together. Over time, as he continues to be out of her life, she will come to realize that what they had was not love. She doesn’t need anyone to spell this out for her. And you certainly don’t need to do anything that would give her an excuse to get back into your life. In my experience, the best thing that you can possibly do is to place your focus on yourself and on your marriage and to leave her behind and in the past where she belongs.
As I said, I do understand this. I found myself fixated on the other woman for a while after the affair. But one day, I realized that it wasn’t doing me any good whatsoever and that, by placing so much attention on her, I was actually strengthening her hold over me. Once I realized this, I never looked back and I began to heal. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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