Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: I recently spoke with a wife who was struggling with her husband’s recent affair. He claimed that this was the first time he had ever cheated, and it would be his last. He promised that he would do whatever was necessary to restore his wife’s trust one day and vowed to prove to her that he could be a good husband and that they would be happy again.

Deep in her heart, the wife wanted to believe this. She did not want to lose this life that she had loved. But, she had to admit to him and to herself that she was struggling. She and her husband had talked about this issue to death. He was trying to offer patience and reassurance, but it just felt false. Their conversations always ended with her crying or the husband being frustrated at what he had done and how much he had messed up.

The wife really wanted her husband to pour out his heart and thoughts to her in a letter. She wanted this because she felt that if he could gather his thoughts without him looking right at her, he might say more meaningful things and speak from his heart. She also liked the idea that when she had fears or doubts, she could pull out the letter for reassurance when she needed to. She was also interested to see what her husband might say.

However, when she began to broach this with her husband, he was somewhat resistant. He did not understand why he needed to do this when he was standing right in front of her and constantly trying to tell her how he felt. The wife wanted to know how to get him to see that this wasn’t too much to ask and was necessary. Here’s my take:

Making Him Understand Why You Want Him To Write You An Apology Letter After His Affair: It was important that the wife make it clear that when the husband said he was willing to do “anything” to prove his sorrow to and commitment toward her, there was no reason that this “anything” did not include an apology letter.

With that said though, it might also be helpful for the wife to understand where the husband was coming from also. I don’t know many men who are entirely comfortable with writing an emotional letter – even during the best of times. 

Sure, some men will write letters in the very beginning stages when you are getting to know one another, but letter writing is most certainly something that women seem to embrace more than men, who would usually much rather just tell you or show you how they feel.

It was quite possible that the husband’s resistance did not indicate that he didn’t want to share his feelings with his wife or to offer her a sincere apology. It was just likely that writing it out would not be his first choice as to how to convey this.

But, that doesn’t mean that this was an impossible situation. I felt that it could help if the wife could explain why she wanted and needed this on paper. She wasn’t trying to punish her husband. She didn’t expect him to write a Shakespearean play. She wasn’t going to grade it with a red pen. 

She wanted to be able to hear his voice via the written word without interruptions and without both of their emotions pouring out. She wanted to be able to take this out and reread it any time she needed support. She should tell the husband these things of course, and to really stress the reassurance that she was not going to critique the letter harshly. 

And she should convey that his making this effort even when it made him uncomfortable was going to go a long way toward showing her that he was sincere when he promised that he would do whatever was necessary to help her get past this.

There’s nothing wrong will spelling out for him that this letter is part of what is necessary. Explain that you aren’t doing this to punish or embarrass. You are doing this because you feel that you need it as part of your recovery, and you are asking for it because you are confident that he truly does want to help you and give you what you need.