Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I hear this phrase quite often. It’s sometimes not until you risk loosing your spouse for good that you begin to really appreciate them as much as you should, especially if that risk is due to a mistake as huge as your cheating on them. I hear from a lot of spouses who want for me to access the chances of getting their spouse back or to tell them what they need to do to increase these chances.

I recently heard from a wife on my blog who said: “I cheated on husband with a guy from work. It was only a one night stand and I never in my wildest dreams thought my husband would find out but he did. It has all but destroyed our marriage. My husband will barely talk to me and he certainly won’t touch me, show me any affection, or have sex with me. He says he has a hard time even looking at me without thinking about the other guy. He says the thought of me being at work with this other guy makes him literally ill. I told my husband that I would quit my job if that’s what it would take to get him back. But he told me that he can’t assure me that he would take me back even if I quit my job. I keep telling him I would do anything if he would take me back. But he says he can’t tell me what to do because he doesn’t know if he’d ever be willing to reconcile with me. So where does that leave me? What can I do?”

I know that often what people want in this situation is a sort of road map with a list of things that they need to do to have a chance to get their spouse back. The hope is that if they do all of the things on the list, then their spouse will eventually decide to give the marriage another try. Unfortunately, that list is going to be different for everyone. And sometimes, people think or hope that they can one day forgive or they think that they know what they want, but they find that their feelings evolve and change over time.

So while I can’t give you a definitive list of things you need to do to get your spouse back after an affair, I can give you a general idea of what people are generally looking for when they are evaluating whether or not they want to take their spouse back, which I will do below.

Your Spouse Wants To Know That You Know Why You Cheated And That You Can Fix The Problem For Good: One of the worst responses that you can give your spouse when they demand to know why you cheated is “I don’t know.” It’s understandable to not want to disclose embarrassing facts like you were insecure or that the other person made you feel alive or gave you a sense of excitement, but if you insist that you don’t know why you cheated, do you know what message your spouse is hearing?

They are basically hearing you say something like “gee, I’m not sure of the reasons that I cheated or had an affair. I don’t know what lead up to this. So therefore, the next time I cheat on you, I’m going to be every bit as surprised and taken aback as I am right now. That means neither of us will have a warning when I cheat again so there is nothing that either of us can do to prevent the next time from happening.” Do you see why your spouse doesn’t want to hear this?

If I’m being totally honest with you, I can tell you that perhaps the biggest fear that a spouse struggling with an affair has is the fear that his or her spouse is going to do it again. It’s very scary to take someone back or try to save the marriage when you know in your heart that one day, they might turn right around and cheat on you again or have another affair.

That’s why it’s very much in your best interest to be as honest as you can without saying anything that is going to rob your spouse of self esteem or dignity. You might tell your spouse that your low self esteem or poor impulse control meant that you allowed yourself to get in a situation that you did not stop in time. Having said this, you will want to follow it up with the changes you are going to make to ensure that it never ever happens again.

Your spouse has to believe that you understand why the affair happened and are remorseful for the same. Because these two things help alleviate some of their fear that you are going to cheat again.

Don’t Expect Your Spouse To Make Any Of The Concessions. The Bulk Of Saving Your Marriage Lies With You: I so often hear from spouses who say things like “if my husband would just trust me again, then I know I could make it work.” Or “if my spouse would just love me again, then I know I could be a good husband.” I usually have to point out that you are asking your spouse to make the concession when in fact you are the one who has made the mistake.

It’s your responsibility to give your spouse the reasons to love and trust you again. You can’t expect them to just blindly give you what you’re asking for unless you make them feel safe and justified in doing so. You are the one who needs to come up with a plan, or procure the counseling, or make the changes that is going to make saving your marriage possible. You are the one who had the affair and so fixing it is your responsibility.

That’s not to say that in rebuilding your marriage, there may well be issues that you will both need and want to address, but it is not fair or realistic to expect your spouse to do all of the heavy lifting. You have to give them a reason to want to change what they are doing and feeling right now. The burden of proof is on you.

Don’t Wait For Your Spouse To Give You Step By Step Instructions. Do What You Know You Need To Do Without Being Asked: I so often hear people say “if my wife would forgive me, I’d let go of the other woman.” Or “if I knew that it would save my marriage, I’d stop going out to bars” as if they are looking for a written guarantee that doing the right thing is going to make their spouse take them back.

The thing is, if your heart is telling you that you need to do something or that taking action is the right thing, do it anyway even if you aren’t sure if it’s going to make a difference. This will show your spouse that you are willing to do whatever it takes even without any guarantee. For example, the wife above said she’d stay away from the coworker if her husband told her he would take her back. She needed to stay away from the coworker either way because this would show her husband that he and the marriage was the most important thing to her regardless of whether he gave her assurances or not.

I can’t pinpoint the one thing that made me take my husband back after his affair. Rather it was a combination of many things over time. Over the course of several months, he showed himself to be trustworthy, patient, and sincere and this made all of the difference. It it helps, you can read that very emotional story in its entirety on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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