Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the big frustrations that I hear over and over again from wives whose husbands have cheated is that it annoys them to see their husband’s new found confidence (which sometimes borders on arrogance.) Many wives believe that all of a sudden their husband thinks he’s handsome and charming enough to attract a much younger, or in his eyes, better woman.

Because of this, whether they realize it or not, many wives will try to play to their husband’s doubts and insecurities in the hopes of knocking his confidence down a notch so that he will hesitate if he should ever think about cheating again.

She might explain: “honestly, I am doing my best right now to make my husband horribly insecure. I want him to feel awful about himself. I want for him to realize that he is not the best looking man in the world nor is he all that great of a lover. I know that all of this sounds mean, but ever since he cheated with a younger woman, he acts as if he’s the best looking man around. The other woman is younger, yes, but her looks are not anything to write home about and she is only interested in his money. If he didn’t have any money, should would not have looked twice at him. The other day we were talking about this and my husband said ‘it is as if you don’t think I have anything to offer.’ I responded that I felt he had plenty to offer me because of our love and history together but then I stressed that it was very naive of my husband to think that a young girl in the prime of her life would want an aging, balding, overweight, middle aged man if he did not have money. This made my husband angry, but it’s true. I want him to realize what is reality. Any woman who wants him is going to be interested in the fact that he is financially stable when she is just starting out. It certainly is not his looks or his charms that are of interest because he is short on both. My friends say that I should not be so brutally honest, but I don’t see why. If I can keep him insecure, maybe he will think twice about cheating on me again. And maybe he will see the other woman for what she truly is.”

I completely understand your thought process. I had these same thoughts after my own husband’s affair. But then I came to understand a few things which were very important and changed my strategy and outlook. I am going to share them below because I think it’s vital that you understand them. Often, the strategy of making him feel insecure backfires. And below, I will tell you why.

Your Husband Likely Already Knows What You Are Telling Him, But He May Resent That It Is Coming From You: Honestly, I think that there is a good chance that, deep down, your husband has already had the same thoughts that you are having. He has a mirror. He knows how much he weighs. He is generally aware of his appearance and how regular people respond to him.

And he has probably wondered or worried about what the other woman sees in him. But of course, he has been able to quiet these worries and go forward anyway. He may well realize that there is some truth to what you are saying, but he doesn’t want to see it. That one very important reason he may have cheated in the first place – to feel better about himself, which leads me to my next point.

An Insecure Man Is More Likely To Cheat On His Wife: I firmly believe that one of the main reasons that an aging man cheats is because he is desperately trying to feel better about himself and to rebuild his confidence. He knows that he doesn’t look or perform in the same way, but if he can create this diversion then at least he can FEEL the same way or recreate the old feelings he used to feel when he was younger.

So while I completely get your thought process, know that you may accomplish exactly the opposite of your goal. In my view, an insecure man who feels old, ugly, and irrelevant is actually much more likely to cheat than a man who has accepted his place in life and is OK with the same.

Think About What You Really Want: Let’s be honest. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to want to make your husband feel just a fraction of what you feel. But let’s break it down to why you REALLY want to make him feel insecure. You’re hoping that he will not cheat again.

Well, then you have to think about the best way to accomplish that. I honestly believe that the best and most effective way to affair proof your marriage going forward is to make your marriage as strong as you possibly can and to make the two individuals in your marriage- both your husband and yourself – as strong as they can possible be. This means that both of you will benefit from building your own self confidence.

This might sound counterintuitive but I firmly believe it. With confidence, comes acceptance. And with acceptance comes fidelity because you are content with your situation, with your marriage, and with your place in your life.

I am not saying that you have to tell your husband that he is the most handsome man who has ever walked the earth. But I think that, likewise, you don’t want to try to make him believe that he has no redeeming qualities. Because if this were true, you would not be married to him. He knows this. And you know it too.

So there is no reason to try to spread around bad feelings and insecurities. You will both feel better once you can begin to heal your marriage and relate to each other with dignity and respect again. But you can’t do that if you’re trying to tear one another down.

I do validate your feelings, though.  Because I made a habit of insulting my own husband after his affair.  I found that this was getting us nowhere though.  So I changed my outlook on healing. You can read more about my progress blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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