Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It is extremely normal to be tempted to want revenge after you find out that your spouse has cheated on you. It often feels as if he has gotten to commit this horrible act while you have to pay the price. You have to feel the hurt, the humiliation, and the shock, while all he has to do is say he’s sorry and move on. This can feel even worse when family, friends, and the community see him as a wonderful man with a very strong character or a high degree of integrity. You can feel as if no one really knows your husband’s true self – and perhaps no one ever will. This seems very unfair. And so with this in mind, it can become tempting to expose your husband’s lack of integrity to his family, friends, bosses, or colleagues.

A wife might very angrily say: “every one thinks that my husband is this wonderful man. I used to think this also. Everyone thinks that he is selfless and that he is a man of integrity. His company is sort of known for doing important things for others. He is known as someone who thinks of other people before he thinks of himself. That’s a very pretty picture he has painted for himself, but it is not entirely true. I found out that my husband has been sleeping with a very young woman who he was supposed to be mentoring in order to help her better herself. I’m sure that everyone thinks that my sweet, selfless husband was helping yet one more person who was down on their luck. But he was helping himself too. And he was using our money to pay for her home. The other day, I saw one of my husband’s co workers at lunch and she told me how one of the families my husband had helped had just been able to buy their own home. She said that I might never know how many people my husband has ‘touched.’ I wanted to reply that I was starting to figure it out and that it might surprise her to know how much my husband has crossed the line. I stopped myself before I could say anything, but now I almost regret it. My husband is still on top of the world. He still is thought of as a wonderful person in the community. For the last couple of days, I have been considering writing a letter outlining exactly what my husband has done. And then sending that letter to family, friends, and colleagues who think my husband is so great. Imagine how ashamed my husband will feel and how embarrassed he will be. I feel that this is really the only thing that I can do to hurt him. Should I do this?”

Only you can make that decision, but I can give you some things to think about. Can you possibly know for sure that some of your husband’s friends and colleagues do not already know about the affair? Or at least have some idea? If this were true, not only would the letter not have the impact you wanted, but it might make you look a little vindictive.  Also, if this gesture makes you look less than upstanding yourself, it might make some form a negative opinion about you that could be used as a justification for your husband’s cheating.  Not even to mention that if you unleash something like this into the universe, it may eventually come back to you.

Outside of that, it truly isn’t anyone else’s business what goes on with your marriage. And you never know how you are going to feel tomorrow. What happens if you unleash this news on everyone and then six months from now you want to save your marriage? Or you want to just move on with your life?  After you’ve told, every one knows and has judgments about your marriage. Both you and your husband might experience embarrassment and shame whenever you have to face these people – which may be quite often.

Frankly, wanting to humiliate and shame a cheating husband is not uncommon. Many wives do tell others because they want for other people to share in their anger. But I do not know many of them that feel it was the right decision later. Because much of the time, the person that you told will keep bringing up the affair (and asking about it) when you are more than ready to move on. This can be true even if you aren’t trying to save your marriage. There comes a time when you don’t want to talk about or think of it anymore and yet every time you come in contact with someone to whom you sent that letter, you are going to be reminded.

In my opinion, sending such a letter just spreads the negativity to more people and it just ensures that the reminders are going to keep coming. I know that when you are smack in the middle of the hurt, you aren’t thinking of the day when you will want to move on. But that day comes for almost everyone. And your letter will make this harder for you to do. I think it’s best to let the people in your husband’s life find out about this on their own – if they do not already know. Just like your marriage is between you and your husband and no one else, your husband’s relationship between his family, friends, and colleagues is between them.

I do understand how you feel, though.  But in truth, your husband may already feel shame and humiliation.  He may actually feel like a fraud precisely because he knows how the community feels about him and he knows that in his heart he made a mistake. You can read more about my experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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