Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lerch: It’s very normal to struggle to get your bearings after your spouse’s affair. Even if you are normally someone who can roll with the punches and handle challenges quite well, you may suddenly be surprised to find yourself in a place where you’re struggling to function like you normally would.

Some women find this embarrassing and so they try to hide this from those around them, pretending that they are fine when deep down, they know that they are anything but fine. Others will take the complete opposite strategy, wanting to put their struggles on full display, especially for their husbands (because everyone knows that all of this is completely his fault.)

You might hear a wife say: “I am so resentful at my husband because of his affair. I am normally a high-energy, bubbly person who likes to burst out of bed smiling so that I can start getting things done. My husband’s affair changed all of that. Now, some days, I don’t even want to get out of bed. I force myself to get to work and be productive but sometimes, on weekends, I don’t even change out of my pajamas. Everything seems like so much of an effort. Last weekend, my mother came over and saw the state I was in and she said that she was worried about me. She said that it’s not flattering to me to be walking around in unwashed sweats. She said that my husband is going to respect me less when he sees me like this. The thing is, I don’t care. I walk around with my sorry self on full display. Because I want him to see this. I want him to take a very good look and see it all. Because he is the one who did this. I want him to look at me and see what he has done. Does this make any sense? It’s almost like I don’t want to move forward because I want him to have to keep taking a good look at the destruction that his affair has caused.”

Actually, this makes perfect sense to me. I understand it. You want for him to have to face up to his mistake. And one way to do that – so that he can’t possibly deny it – is to make him stare right into your face which displays your disappointment, your struggles, and your hurt. I think that every woman who has ever been cheated on feels this to an extent.

But you have to keep this in perspective. Because you don’t want to cross that line where you reach the point where you are hurting yourself instead of him. And if you are reluctant to move on because of this, then I’d say you’re potentially at that place.

The thing is, he knows the destruction he has caused. He’s already seen it. So continuing on in this way isn’t making your point any more clear. It is only getting you in a very destructive rut that it only going to become harder and harder to get out of as you create this destructive cycle over and over again.

Not only that, but by displaying yourself in this way, you are almost encouraging yourself and your husband to slightly lose respect for you. Instead of this, you want to project that you are a worthwhile person who most certainly didn’t deserve this, but who respects herself enough to dust herself off and pick herself up.

Now, you may be at a point where moving forward seems impossible or hard.  There is no shame in seeing a professional to help you evaluate where you are and to offer suggestions as to what might help you.  It’s simply you getting help when you need it – the same as you would seek a doctor’s treatment when you got the flu.

I’d also advocate leaning on close family and friends. This made a huge difference for me because I instructed friends to insist that I join them so that I would be forced to get out of the house.  Note though, that you only want to include people who will unconditionally support you without judgement or lectures.

I do understand your wanting to show you husband what he did to you. But, beyond the initial impact, I don’t see any reason to continue on in this way. This is just hurting you and ensuring that you remain stuck at a time when it would really be advantageous to let the healing begin.

Healing doesn’t mean that your husband hasn’t hurt you or that he’s off the hook. It doesn’t negate the damage. Instead, it offers you some relief so that the pain doesn’t continue on forever. Because you don’t deserve that. You’re punishing your husband at the expense of yourself.  He already knows that he has hurt you. So why continue the cycle of pain?

I hope this has helped some.  I know that this is hard.  But there’s no benefit in remaining stuck and there’s lots to gain by feeling better and moving on.  You can read more about my own process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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