Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who really feel the need to set some firm boundaries after they have found out that their spouse has cheated on them. They often are not completely sure that they want to walk away from their marriage – especially if children are involved. But, they are unsure if they want to participate in their marriage in the same way. So they will often try to strike a compromise with very firm boundaries. Not surprisingly, the spouse who cheated will often scoff at these boundaries because he feels that they are meant to punish him.

A wife might say: “I almost can’t stand the sight of my husband right now. I found out that he has been having an affair with the wife of one of our couple friends. I am disgusted by this and I was very tempted to tell him to just leave and go be with her. I have not done this because of my kids. I have no idea how I would explain their father’s leaving to them. So I asked my husband to sleep in the guest room so that I would have some time to process all of this. I don’t even want to have him in my presence, and I most definitely do not want to sleep with him. He accepted this for only a little while and then he started pressuring me to let him move back into the bedroom. He said he wouldn’t pressure me for sex, but that he found it silly to feel like a guest in his own house. I told him that I am just not ready for this and he says he doesn’t think I’ll ever be ready and that I will use this as an excuse to keep him out and to never let him back in. Is it silly to want him to use the spare bedroom, at least for right now?”

I don’t think it’s silly at all. Some women ask their husbands to leave the house after they discover the cheating. Quite frankly, your husband doesn’t have it as bad as some. Some men are not even allowed to feel like guests in their own homes. Because they are not allowed in those homes. So although your husband might not like sleeping in the bedroom, he needs to realize that it could have been much worse for him.

It’s my experience that rushing intimacy before you are ready to do so is a mistake. Things are already difficult and awkward between you, and moving too quickly can just magnify all of the problems and make things even more intense. Plus, it makes you feel pressured and as if you are not in control of your own wishes, which isn’t fair.

You could try a conversation like: “well, you might think it is silly, but I think that it is necessary and it is my decision. I’m simply not ready to share a bedroom with you right now. There has not been enough healing or progress. And I do not want to rush things, only to have to back up later. I would hope that you could see that at least we are still under the same roof. Not every one can say that after infidelity. Some couples live apart and never live together again. Once we make progress, we can reevaluate the bedroom situation. But until then, I think it is best to leave things as they are. I know that this is not ideal for you. But dealing with your infidelity is not ideal for me. So we just have to do the best that we can. And right now, separate bedrooms is the best that I can do. Please don’t pressure me about it anymore.”

Hopefully, this conversation will hit home with him, but if not, I’d suggest seeing a counselor. Because although I am certainly not a counselor, I’d suspect that she (or he) would tell you that you are well within your rights to sleep separately right now. It’s better than forcing intimacy before you’re ready, so that you both have a disastrous experience. You have enough to deal with before adding sex back to the mix. Frankly, I find that the physical aspect of a marriage often isn’t great if the emotional aspect isn’t great. And after an affair, the emotional aspect is a mess. I think the best call is to fix the emotional part of your relationship and then to focus on the physical part. Your husband may not love this idea, but if he is committed to your marriage, he should at least be open to it.

Because he is the one who made this whole arrangement necessary in the first place. And he might know full well that you’re right about this, but he’s trying to make you feel guilty so that he can get back into the bedroom, fully aware that he doesn’t deserve it so soon. So sometimes you just have to calmly stand your ground or have a counselor tell him that you are right so that he can just drop this topic for now to allow healing to begin.

There were many issues like this for my husband and myself after his affair.  It wasn’t always easy to stand my ground, but I had to.   There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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